With only hours to go until the first big holiday weekend of the summer, we bet that you already have plans to attend at least one rooftop suaré or backyard BBQ. Or maybe you’re planning to throw a barn burner of your own. As a reward for those of you who are still patiently sitting at your desks, we’d like to share some helpful advice from a self-proclaimed expert on all things hedonistic — Mr. Andrew W.K. — on a few common rookie party-thrower mistakes to avoid in your Memorial Day festivities. Click through for his surprisingly useful tips, as excerpted from Judy McGuire’s recently-released tome The Official Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll Lists.
8. Carpets and Rugs
Even though carpets cushion the foot and rugs offer a beautiful way to decorate, these fibrous floor blankets quickly bunch up when people try to dance, and become stinking sponges for spilled savories and broken beverage bottles. Wood, concrete, or tile floors are far better—they’re easier to clean, to dance upon, and to lick. Or just party on the natural grounds of the dirty Earth — the soil is made for your pleasure.
7. Mrs. Cavendish
I’m not saying she isn’t a wonderful lady, but Mrs. Cavendish doesn’t belong at our parties. In case you hadn’t heard, she once punched my mom in the throat — that’s totally unacceptable. My mom didn’t deserve it at all. She had politely requested that Mrs. Cavendish stop climbing around in our kitchen cabinets. Instead of apologizing and cleaning up the mess, Mrs. Cavendish popped my mom right in the jugular with her fat fist. As a result, Mrs. Cavendish is no longer welcome at my parties, and I recommend you ban her from your celebrations too.
6. Too Many Dogs or Cats
I love cats. They have soft paws, funny claws, and fresh faces. They also pounce on bugs and play with them. I once saw a cat press down on a bug’s body until it was completely flat. I love dogs too. They have smiling faces, wagging tails, and nice fluffy flanks for petting, patting, and stroking. However, too many of these beasts are crazed with foam rabies — and that can turn a party into the petting zoo from hell. Our festivities are no place for a killer kennel club — too much cat hair in your mouth starts to get irritating after a while. And too many dogs mean too much barking, barfing, and barging into the private areas between the legs of a young person. Keep them in cages or keep them outside, but don’t let those hounds and catties run wild and take over your celebration. This party is for humans and cats and dogs, in that order. If the animals take control, you may never get it back.
5. Don’t Invite Girls
About three years ago I went into the garage at a party and realized that the host didn’t invite any girls. It wasn’t just this one time. I realized he didn’t invite girls to any of his parties. My first hunch was that he didn’t like girls at all, but I had seen him enjoying the female form and figure in print and film — maybe he was just too afraid to talk to them. Either way, having a woman, girl, babe, or any other sort of female around helps round out the curve of the human spirit. Just being able to talk to a girl is a healthy release. Don’t be the guy who didn’t invite girls. Keep yourself (and your pals) in good health — invite gals!
4. Forget to Promote
You also don’t want to be the guy who forgot to promote. People can’t come to a party if they’re not aware of the party. People can’t show up and prance if they never heard there was a dance. It’s so important to spread the word and promote the party that I can’t overstress it enough. Your party exists! And the world deserves to hear about it! Print up some postcards and flyers. Talk about it on the telephone. Call up local businesses and encourage them to tell their employees about the event. Offer crushed-ice discounts, daily double promo points, and cash-back incentives. Anything that helps get the excitement going. Remember, you can’t promote gallons of milk at a deep discount without an official announcement party — and iced rice – cream cups.
3. No Visible Trash Cans
This is a simple warning: If people can’t see your trash cans, they’ll use your entire place as a giant trash can.
2. No Towels in the Bathroom
Bathroom towels aren’t just for drying your hands after washing. They’re also for cleaning up filth and mess. There’s nothing worse than accidentally urinating all over your hands, all over the toilet seat, all over the floor, walls, and door, only to realize there are no towels. Even worse is a letting out a whole bunch of strong diarrhea — that stuff is thick and sticky and smells so bad. Without any towels to wipe up the mess, the best you can do is dab at it with a ball of toilet paper. But toilet paper is so thin and made to dissolve in liquid, so it just turns to a slimy pulp the second it touches the urine or diarrhea. It’s just a mess.
1. Telling People How to Party
Out of all the party mistakes I’ve listed here, the biggest one by far is telling other people how they should party. Even the most intelligent, freedom-loving, open-minded person will sometimes get it into their head that they know best, and that everyone should do the same stuff they do — that’s a huge and terrible mistake. Everyone is different, and everyone has different ideas of what “fun” is. True partying is allowing everyone to have their own idea of fun, and to let each person celebrate the way that makes them happy. As long as one person’s idea of fun doesn’t interfere with another person’s, then all their various tastes are valid. We all want to experience joy — joy is our common ground — how we get to that state of joy will vary from person to person, place to place, day to day. We’re all individuals bound together by a shared purpose — to enjoy our lives before we die. Everything else is just a bunch of bullshit. PARTY HARD!