These Are the Movies That Make You Totally Undateable

Over the past couple of weeks, we’ve started some fierce conversations (and ruffled a few feathers) with our features on books and bands that send up red flags among the dating population of Flavorpill’s staff, writers, and readers. With movies, it can get a bit more complicated — after all, a movie is a short commitment, so we can all be forgiven for seeing (and liking) some dogs, or for taking in films that dabble in disturbing subject matter. Where it gets worrisome is when you’re at the potential someone-special’s place, glancing over their DVD shelf, and a title jumps out that you realize they not only paid good money for, but wanted to keep around for repeat viewings. Thus, with the help of readers and colleagues (names kept anonymous to protect, well, everyone), here are some of the movies that you might want to clear from your shelves and queues if you’re heading out into the dating pool. Check them out after the jump, and add your own horror stories in the comments.

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell

One of our polling subjects opined, “any of the ’80s frat boy movies, like Porky’s, Revenge of the Nerds, etc.” But frankly, those films are more forgivable (what with the always-tricky nostalgia factor) than this 2009 nightmare of snarky misogyny, which commits the twin atrocities of a) putting money in the pocket of vile, hateful Tucker Max (whose “book” inspired it), and b) causing us to forever associate poor Matt Czuchry — who we wish we still thought of as Logan on Gilmore Girls — with said vile, hateful Max. Ladies, if he’s got this swill on his shelf (or any of Mr. Max’s books, for that matter), fleeeeeeeeee.

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Saw (the first) itself is a brilliant film built on psychological tension -- two guys wake up in a locked room, tied to opposite walls, with a hacksaw in the middle of the floor and no clue of how they got there? You know that someone is going to cut off a body part to get out of there, you just have no idea who or when. And II and III were interesting if only because of the half-assed screwed up relationship between Amanda and Jigsaw that I frankly could have done with more of, but once you kill your villain, devolving into torture porn is really the only way to go. And I'd consider (500) Days of Summer more of a deconstruction of the MPDG trope -- or at least one its way. The man is kind of a selfish asshole who imposes the personality on Summer (who is, admittedly, 80% of the way there on her own) and is put out because she doesn't love him the way he thinks she should.

Interesting concept, this one of judging people by the movies they have at home (or even just like, for whatever reason). Also interesting to consider something you spent a couple of bucks in as a commitment. Hey, I spend some money on a hotdog once in a while; I must really be committed to it... Listen, I agree with a couple of these choices – some are just awful – but it’s downright stupid (there’s no simpler and concise word to describe it) to judge someone because they own one particular movie/book/album/whatever. Let’s not even go to people you date, but even just your friends: I have very good friends who don’t share a few of my likes and dislikes and it doesn’t make them less worthy of my friendship. From all the people I know well, only my sister is into Sci-Fi as much as I am. Her husband likes comedies, of the awful kind (Adam Sandler movies) and action-packed movies with as many explosions as possible. By definition, they shouldn’t get along, but they do. I have a (female) friend who loves torture-porn movies. I personally shrug at them, but I excuse all that because the two of us used to Riftrax movies and videogames ourselves, before we even knew what Riftrax was. Her husband, well, he likes romantic comedies (infinitely more than his wife does) and martial arts movies. What of it?! According to this list, if I choose to date a guy who’s into 8 ½, The Seventh Seal and Alphaville then he’s a conceited douche. If I date a guy that likes Fight Club, Pointbreak and Dead Poets’ Society, he’s a douche of a different kind (personally, I find it more worrisome if a guy is into Dead Poets’ than if he’s into Fight Club anyway). I don’t get why we should label people for their personal tastes as far as entertainment goes(I’m basically a Liz Lemon personality, who's less into shows about cake and more into Jet Li kicking ass). Because, if you want to date in the real world, you have to understand you won’t find someone who’s into the exact same things you are. If you’re looking for someone like that, then you’re in love with yourself and you’re better off staying at home and making out with the mirror. Because according to this kind of thinking, the whole world is undatable. Totally. (anyone who uses this word in such a context IS undatable...)

I totally agree with the V for Vendetta assessment. It's not that the movie is bad, per se, but it implies a bizarre level of institutional paranoia (I.e. DON'T TRUST ANYONE! THE GOVERNMENT IS EVIL! CORPORATIONS ARE EVIL! UAAAAAGH!) that is, frankly, unattractive. Also creepy. I mean, I love 1984 and A Clockwork Orange, and other dystopian movies, but V has something distinctly paranoid and obsessive about it.

Oh, And those of you that are bristling up & pissy about the whole "undateable" thing? Get a sense of humor - besides, you're probably undateable for a whole host of other reasons besides your cinematic tastes.

I'll give you a pass on most of these, but as a Fincher fan, I think FC is a must... even if you're not a fan of Fincher or the book, it's an exceedingly well-made film - especially from a technical stand-point. Check out the extras on the two-disc set. Also, I'm not a Paul Thomas Anderson apologist, but I do think Magnolia was a bold, if totally misunderstood follow-up to Boogie Nights. Great performances by a killer ensemble cast. What's that? You still don't "get" the frogs...? You don't have to.

Yes, indeed, more superficial judgmentalism. Really, stop it already. Has it ever occurred to you that what struck you about a movie (provided that you have actually seen them, because an awful lot of this sounds very cliched)may not be the same thing that struck somebody else about it? Maybe what seemed important about it was altogether different from what you caught? Overall, lists like these are very disrespectful. They assume that everybody else is such a simpleton that you can magically see into their brain and know everything about them. Particularly pathetic are the movies you admit are good, but for some other irrelevant reason, somebody shouldn't like them TOO MUCH. I repeat what I said about the book list: writing a list like this makes you undateable. p.s. A book isn't a major committment, either.

Well, this will be my first and last Flavorwire visit. Are people really so shallow as to consider someone "undateable" just for owning a movie? Let this bake your ziti, then: not only do I own Saw and Fight Club, but also The Truth About Cats And Dogs (a long-time favorite that makes me smile every time), One Fine Day, Moulin Rouge and Say Anything. Shallow, pandering writing.

"Forrest Gump" or anything starring Adam Sandler that isn't "Punch-Drunk Love!"

I feel like this list is a bit confused. The concept here is that you shouldn't date someone who is obsessed with these films, right? But Drive is on the list because after seeing it a girl might be too into Ryan Gosling instead of her date? Cuz you probably shouldn't date someone who prefers movie stars to real life people, regardless of their taste in movies. Also, gotta second Jac. Something is wrong with people who don't like Fight Club.

Twitching a little at V For Vendetta. I can see my way to your assumptions, but it is a fantastic movie. I don't own it, but I do own the book, and a Guy Fawkes mask (I went as V for Halloween a few years ago), which I will probably put on and recite with gusto the 'humble vaudevillian veteran' speech if given the slightest excuse, because it is fun as hell. If this makes me undateable, well, you're not nerd enough for me to date in the first place. As for Saw, it's not about the torture. It's never been about the torture. It's about the fascinating way the traps are designed, and the plot. Yes, plot. If you don't believe it's there, you probably didn't see more than the first movie and weren't even paying attention to that. Hostel, I'd maybe agree to.

If I go to someone's house and they DON'T own Fight Club, that's a 'red flag' for me. Guess I'm undateable.

The inclusion of Fight Club reminds me of what I thought about that film before I actually saw it. I think it was mismarketed as a film about a generation of men who had lost their direction and role and wanted to get back to 'real' masculinity. Your statement that fans must have 'issues with women' and that those reasons are pretty easy to nail down baffles me as a statement about the film, as that's not what it's about. I could take that as a statement about the way it was marketed but it bears no relation to the actual content. Try watching it, you might be pleasantly surprised.

Well I own Twilight and Saw because of Rifftrax. Hilarious! ( rifftrax.com ) Plus Fight Club is just a great movie, in my opinion.

My husband owns at least three of these...but they were bought (sometimes by me) AFTER we were together. So does that make us both undateable? In any case, I'd have a hard time dating someone who DOESN'T own "Fight Club" - it's a classic.

I like to read the comments to these things because I can laugh at all the people who take this shit way too seriously. I own a few of the movies up there, and I just laugh when I read the reasons as to why this makes me undateable. If you own any of these films and took offense to the fact that it was up there, and get pissed off that someone would label you in such a way, you ARE undateable because you have absolutely no sense of humor.

I don't think i'd stick with anyone that has their movies on display - regardless. They are not books/ furniture/decorative and should be stored away in a cabinet. Obviously a cry for approval.

Someone put Fight Club on this list? I'm a chick, and this is one of my absolute favourite movies, so if I was dating a guy who wasn't keen on it that there would send up major red flags for me

I feel like you guys included some movies that are just garbage, which are easy and obvious choices. I feel like if someones not mad about it, its a poor choice. So why'd you even bother with universally panned movies? But cudos on the gutsy ones. Here's a few of mine, both dating or even just being friends they woud make me think twice: Rounders, wall street, the shawshank redemption, the fifth element, american pie, anyone a little too into john hughes movies. I like all these movies, but I imagine if any of these are your very favorite movies, you're probably kinda boring.

@ellaVader Have you even seen swingers?

I'm female and my two favorite movies are Fight Club and V for Vendetta.. most of these movies would score major points with me when it comes to dating a dude..

@Jason Bailey: This article is such a load of crock! Are you one of Oprah's gay designers that walk around making deterministic statements that are baseless at best? This is the kind of advice that drives fickle mindless people to adopt irrational "guidelines" that set them up for failure. YOU frown at these movies, that doesn't have any bearing on the personality of those who like them. Granted, neither of these movies were blockbusters but to each their own. Get a life.

Yes, James, we already know that.

Anyone Who dislikes Star Wars or refuses to watch is not getting any from me.

anyone who decries the merit of magnolia, drive or todd solondz films with such vitriol as to call them "un-ownable" by a potential partner has no business writing about film.

I haven't I Spit On Your Grave but am now contemplating doing so. Nothing wrong with a woman enjoying seeing guys like that get their comeuppance.

Anybody with a complete set of Star Trek and/or Star Wars films ain't gettin' any. Just sayin'.

There is a big difference between just owning a movie and being obsessed with a movie. I own a lot of those movies up there but I wouldn't say I'm obsessed with any of them. I do really love Fight Club though, but I'm a girl so I don't know what that says about me.

I disagree with The Notebook. Sure, it's a bit sappy, but it's one of the best romance flicks released within the last 10 years. As a romantic, I love that movie. Personally, I'm out if a guy owns any of The Fast and the Furious films. Those movies are just an excuse to watch expensive cars get crashed.

flavorwire... still trying hard and saying nothing.

To the defenders of Grandma's Boy, Fight Club, V for Vendetta, and Happiness, I agree. I too love these movies. But I think Mr. Bailey is saying that my love for these movies could underlie something that might make him think twice about dating me, which is understandable. I have a charming smile and I like to think I'm pretty funny, but it would never work out between us. I'm convinced Predator is the most important movie in American History. So chin up, kids. The "undateable" [sic] brand doesn't mean these movies aren't awesome.

Oh, but if someone has a shit load of shoddy crime movies, that is a huge turn off for me.

And V for Vendetta is also a good movie! If the idea is that anyone with that movie is obviously a counter culture revolutionary, WOW that is extremely stupid.

I don't understand all the hate for Fight Club. It's a good movie!

I think the idea is "cute" if a ways off the mark. I think you need to make it more clear that your article is more tongue in cheek rather than serious. I find the idea that owning one or even several of these movies makes someone undateable. I think a much better article would have been about cinematic tastes to watch out for when dating someone. A single Saw movie or Notebook-esque move isn't the end of the line, it's if the trend was repeating throughout their collection. Heaven knows I have enough shelf space devoted to my bad movie nights. Just a few pointers for your next article.

I have 'Saw', but I'm not offended! People, lighten up! (Or I'll chain you in a cellar and sing Celine Dion songs at you). 'Pretty Woman' would be my no-no pick, and all rapesploitation movies.

I know this isn't exactly mainstream, but I would look wonderingly at anybody with a shelf full of Catherine Breillat. Though my collection of Peter Greenaway movies might in theory be questionable too -- Nudity, violence, plus in my still impossible to get copy of the Baby of Macon has a very extended rape scene.

Seriously, no Boondocks Saints? Happiness is a great film, disturbing subject matter or not. Boondocks Saints should replace it on this list.

"These are the brands of toilet paper that make you undateable"

I agree with everything except Grandma's Boy, that movie was hilarious.

Grandma's Boy is great movie!

@Travis Apparently I'm un-dateable too because I love Todd Solondz movie. I think they show realistic characters even when they can be disgusting and horrible.

I can understand The Notebook, but Drive was a legitimately great movie. I don't really agree with that one.

An over abundance of car movies. This, in my experience, means that he won't be able to "afford" ever going out, but will always have money to supe up his precious car.

Tomorrow: "These are the items in your grocery cart that make you undateable."

Apparently I'm un-dateable (although i'm married) because i'm a huge Solondz fan. i LOVE lending people Happiness to see their reaction. I've almost lost friends over that one. i just like challenging people's movie-viewing experience. however, that being said, i'd agree with most of the other choices (sans Fight Club, because i'm gay, so it's OK for me to be obsessed with Brad Pitt's abs... i mean the great movie.)

Uh. That's there twice...sorry. :P

I really like Flavorwire, but I can't believe you're going to continue in this vein of blanket assumptions. I don't like some of these films, and others I do like, but I won't go so far as to posit that a person owning one somehow makes them unworthy. (Even with Magnolia.) I was also unaware that owning it connotes obsession.

I normally really like Flavorpill, but I can't believe you're continuing in this vein of blanket assumptions. I don't like some of these films, but I won't go so far as to posit that someone owning one of them makes them unworthy of my time. I was also unaware that owning it connotes obsession.

If a guy is a huge fan of _Swingers_, I'm totally out of there. Twilight is great if you watch it like a comedy. There's nothing like being trashed at a theater, rolling with laughter, while dodging looks of death from 14 yr old girls.