Congrats go out to the three winners of our Heard in the Crowd contest — we’re sure you’ll enjoy Judah Friedlander’s antics at the Bad Art Auction tonight at Le Poisson Rouge. Avant rockers Xiu Xiu will cap the affair with some good, if dissonant, art-rock noise.

Junior high kid walking by to his two friends: Yo, I heard for every 10 pounds you lose your dick gets one inch bigger.
Kid 2: (pointing to Kid 3) So like Ronnie’s dick must be 20 inches or some sh*t.
Kid 3: (looks down and sighs)

- Standing in line at a book signing on Smith Street

B&T looking guy to his friend: You’re pretty sexy for an accountant.

- Two guys at crowded show at Hiro Ballroom

Concession Worker to annoying customer: The other bathrooms are just downstairs.
Annoying Customer: Downstairs? How do I get there? Do I just….go downstairs?
Concession Worker: That would be the best way, yeah.

- Angelika Film Center