Confirmed! The Smiths Are NEVER, EVER Getting Back Together

Sorry, Smiths fans who’ve spent the past week refreshing Pitchfork and Stereogum for reunion news — you’ve been punked again. Of course it’s not happening. And because we are all so foolish and gullible, Morrissey’s poor publicist, who clearly has a very difficult job to begin with, has stated it in terms we should all be able to understand: “The Smiths are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to reunite – ever,” he tells Rolling Stone. Sure, hell has frozen over before, but we wouldn’t doubt eight “ever”s.

Also, the publicist claims he doesn’t even know why Morrissey and Marr will never get back together. “There’s got to be a story there, and maybe one day it will be told,” he says. Hey, maybe it’s in that massive Moz autobiography due out in December! Or maybe, as Smiths fans would probably secretly prefer, it will continue to be discussed on message boards long after we’re all in the ground.