If you’ve been reading Flavorwire for the past few years, then you already know that one of our favorite holiday traditions is doling out gifts to 100 boldfaced names in culture — it doesn’t matter whether they’re dead or alive; naughty or nice; highbrow, lowbrow, or somewhere in between. Click through to see who made the cut this year, and while you’re at it, find the perfect gift for the Amy Poehler, Philip Roth, Zooey Deschanel in your own life!
Abby Elliott
Very She & Him Christmas LP, $19
A reminder of her best recurring character on SNL, and a damn fine Christmas album to boot!
Amy Poehler
Fig+Yarrow Pink Love Salts, $32
Because we love her. We really, really love her.
Anna Wintour
R29 Exclusive Bill Cunningham Tee, $25
On the shortlist of things make the icy Vogue editrix crack a smile: this lovely street-fashion photographer.
Anderson Cooper
The Bike Pump Keychain, $12
Hey, even fearless, globe-trotting journalists get an occasional flat tire.
Azealia Banks
Shellphone Loudspeaker, $75
A nautical gift for our favorite little mermaid.
Barack Obama
“What Good…” Enamel Steel Sign, $28
In his second term, we hope the President steals this page from Ben Franklin’s playbook.
Beyoncé
Brooklynski Hood Plate Necklace, $55
For rocking courtside at Brooklyn Nets games.
Bill Nye
In Your Element Mug: C, £8
Now the we’ve seen the real Mr. Wizard, there’s no debate about who we’re gifting this geeky mug to.
Carey Mulligan
Deco Cocktail Necklace by Lulu Frost, $195
A delightful deco necklace fit for our latest Daisy Buchanan!
Carly Rae Jepsen
Luddite Phone Case, $24
Our Christmas wish: never to get “Call Me Maybe” stuck in our heads ever again.
Carrie Brownstein/Fred Armisen
Brooklyn Brunch Box, $45
Brunch in a box means no passing out while waiting in line at Fisherman’s Porch for six hours.
Chelsea Handler
F1 I Sleep With Strangers Eye Mask, $22
This shocking eye mask should make those long flights between LA and New York a bit more entertaining.
Cheryl Strayed
A Walk in the Forest Tea Towel, $28
A little reminder of her time on the Pacific Coast Trail.
Chris Brown
F U Scarf, currently sold out
What’s better than giving Chris Brown an F U scarf? Giving him an IOU for one.
Chris Hardwick
Doctor Who Bathrobe, $70
It’s a robe that makes you look like a TARDIS. We think the Nerdist founder would be very pleased.
Claire Danes
Anorak Binoculars Melamine Plate, £6 each
It was either this adorable picnic blanket, or a box of tissues.
Clint Eastwood
Chairs Print by Ali Douglass, $40
So many pretty chairs to yell at.
Courtney Cox
My Book Club Only Reads Wine Labels Tote, $24
We haven’t seen enough of Cougar Town to know whether or not Jules reads, but we definitely know she drinks.
Courtney Love
Jasper + Black Archie Grand Excesses I Had and Liked Blank Notebook, $9
If she’s ever going to finish that memoir, it’s time to start taking notes.
Courtney Stodden
Sound of Bliss Necklace, $220
We know she’s no icon, but we couldn’t see this necklace and not think of the teen bride.
Dan Deacon
A Vinyl Puzzle, $24
After what has been a very busy year for the Baltimore artist, we imagine that he might enjoy a little down time.
David Foster Wallace
Nouvella Tote, $12
Two words: Infinite Jest.
David Petraeus
Bailey Doesn’t Bark Heart Card Kit, $20
Think of all the trouble the former CIA director could have avoided if he’d just used snail mail.
Donald Trump
Obama Birther Certificate Tray, $20
No explanation needed.
Drew Barrymore
Oeuf NYC Glasses Sweater, $84
We all know Baby Olive is going to be the coolest.
Ed Norton
Lost And Found Compass, $72
Every dedicated Khaki Scouts leader needs a good looking compass.
Elisabeth Moss
Jon Hamm – A Colouring Book, $11
With Peggy striking it out on her own, we imagine Ms. Moss misses spending QT with her dreamy co-star.
Emily Dickinson
Large Dash Earring, $50
The perfect accessory for the most famous dash-user in history.
Ernest Hemingway
Salt & Pepper Pawz, $32
We didn’t count the toes.
Fiona Apple
Words Well Loved 2013 Calendar, $40
Between her publicized arrest and the death of her beloved pooch, this well-loved lady had quite a rough year. Hopefully her 2013 is a lot less dramatic.
Flannery O’Connor
Brass Peacock Letter Opener, $98
Apparently Flannery loved writing long letters to her pen pal Betty Hester almost as much as she loved peacocks.
The 47%
Drowning In Debt Salt And Pepper Shakers, $25
Because if we don’t laugh about it, then we’ll have to cry.
Guy Fieri
Sriracha Lip Balm – 3 Pack, $12
All the red peppers and garlic in the world won’t erase New York Times critic Pete Wells’ takedown of Guy’s new Times Square restaurant, but at least this will burn in a good way.
Hillary Clinton
Twenty Four Hour Woman Calendar by Scott Lenhardt, $27
According to this recent New York Times profile, our current Secretary of State never sleeps. Ever! Here’s hoping she opts for a 2016 run after spending the next year chilling out for a change.
Jack Nicholson
The Weir Overlook Special Edition hat by Connoisseur, £27
Let’s be honest: Shining Jack Nicholson is the best Jack Nicholson.
Jake Johnson
DIY Molecular Gastronomy Kit: Cocktails, $58
Maybe New Girl’s Nick Miller isn’t a bartender just because he likes three feet of bar between him and everyone he meets. Maybe he really enjoys making cocktails.
James Cameron
Tea Diver by Abelpartners, $25
What do you get the crazy filmmaker who has already ventured to the deepest point in the ocean? A soothing cup of tea.
James Franco
I Make Stuff Notebooks, $10
Indeed.
Jason Segel/Michelle Williams
Personalized Paper Dolls, $50
Adorable couples deserve equally adorable joint gifts.
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Jerry Seinfeld
Maestria Rosso Coffee Machine from Nespresso,$549
If Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee web series gets a second season, this will come in very handy.
J.K. Rowling
Jane Austen Bandages, $5
Don’t worry J.K. Once upon at time, critics weren’t so fond of Jane Austen’s quaint social dramas either.
Joan Rivers
Erica Weiner ‘Wear No Evil’ Necklace, $60
The perfect statement necklace for the grand dame of E!’s Fashion Police.
Joel McHale
Phoos Table, $600
Tinkletown will love this. Hopefully the Germans won’t show up before Big Cheddar gets there to back him up.
John Cleese
Knit Knight’s Helmet, $40
“It’s just a flesh wound.”
John Waters
Baltimore Ornament, $30
It might not be quite as campy as he’d like, but we think the Pope of Trash would adore this hand-carved ode to his hometown.
Jonathan Franzen
Bird Bingo, $20
We don’t know if he’s really the “World’s Most Annoying Bird-Watcher”, but he’s definitely the most famous.
Justin Bieber/Selena Gomez
Power Couple Pencils, $8
Will these two even be together when this gift guide goes up? Who knows. What we do know is that they could learn a thing or two from their fictional predecessors.
Justin Vernon
Bonfire Log, $28
We may have heard that this portable bonfire log is on Bon Iver’s rider.
Katy Perry
Bubblegum Pop Candle, $38
This is what we imagine Katy Perry’s entire house smells like — especially now that Russell Brand is gone.
Kelly Ripa
Morning Mug, $20
Because no one, not even Kelly Ripa, wakes up looking that perky without a little bit of help.
Kevin Smith
The Golden Age by Paul Levitz, $60
Paul Levitz’s 75 Years Of DC Comics: The Art Of Modern Myth-Making is being re-issued by Taschen as a five-volume edition, starting with this baby. Even Mr. Comic Book Men would be impressed.
Ke$ha
Beer Bottle and a Mirror Koozie, $12
We’ve never met Ke$ha, but we can’t imagine her disagreeing with the sentiment above.
Kelly Osbourne
Le Smoking Earrings, $45
These statement earrings were fashioned out of tiny, vintage Yves St. Laurent plaques that never made it onto garments.
Kristen Wiig
Hand Soaps, $18
Good lord we miss Dooneese, and her tiny, baby hands.
Lady Gaga
Cake Knife, $22
Memo to Mother Monster: Cake is meant to be sliced, not rolled around in.
Lana Del Rey
Tiger Denim Jacket, $124
We like Lana Del Rey best when she’s flanked by giant tigers.
Lea Michele
SpotCo: Signed AIGA/NY 30th Anniversary Poster, $100
Kurt might be struggling, but we all know that Rachel Berry is Tony bound.
Lena Dunham
Gravel+Gold Boob Tote, $120
At this point, we feel better acquainted with certain parts of Ms. Dunham’s anatomy than our own.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Gold Leather Dictionary, $185
A gilded dictionary Gatsby would approve of, old sport.
Lil Wayne
Tattoo Old School Balm by Brooklyn Grooming, $22
Knowing Weezy, this balm will come in handy quite often in the year to come.
Lindsay Lohan
Tequila Is Not My Friend Bag, $248
A tote bag never spoke truer words.
Louis C.K.
The New York Doughnut Map, $24
Because Louis C.K. cannot not eat donuts.
Mark Walberg
Boston Ivy Cologne, $102
A scent meant to evoke “a memory of Boston in the ’80s” is a scent that we think Wahlberg would find irresistible.
Martha Stewart
Tiriana Jewelry Single Scissors Ring, $60
Behind the perfectly iced cupcakes and clever design projects, we all know this mogul has a serious dark side.
Maya Angelou
Trompe L’Oeil Birdhouse, $78
Too on the nose?
Megan Mullally
Good Husband Good Lover Pillowcase Set, $50
Ah, to be married to a mustachioed god like Nick Offerman.
M.I.A.
Big Dot Knee High by Happy Feet, $14
What can we say? This is a woman who really loves polka dots.
Michael Bloomberg
Liberty Snow Globe, $18
If the Mayor of New York can take down super-sized sodas, certainly climate change doesn’t stand a chance.
Michelle Obama
Guerilla Gift Box: Edibles, $40
A gift that combines two of the FLOTUS’ favorite things: physical activity and gardening.
Mindy Kaling
Two-Sided Heart Tote, $56
This cute tote — red on one side, black on the other — is meant to be flipped around based on how one’s love life is going.
Mitt Romney
Ceramic Christmas Coal Ornament, $18
Sorry, we couldn’t resist!
Nate Silver
United States Chalkboard Map, $168
When you correctly predict 50 out of 50 states, then you get to gloat about it.
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Stitch the Stars, $24
America’s favorite astrophysicist may never visit the stars, but he can stitch them.
Newt Gingrich
Night Light + Moon, $5
A more affordable alternative to a moon colony.
Nick Offerman
Woodcut by Bryan Nash Gill, $30
We’re actually not sure who would love this book more: Offerman, or his on-screen counterpart.
Nicki Minaj
Kiss Necklace by Elephant Heart, $85
Knowing Minaj, she’ll want one in every color — and wear them all at the same time.
Oprah
iWood Laptop, $55
It’s harder to get in trouble for tweeting from the wrong device when said device is made of wood.
Paul Ryan
Atlas Shrugged Tee, $28
We don’t care what Ryan says now — once a Randian, always a Randian.
Paula Deen
Fou Lard by Natalie Luder, $170
Thanks to her new diet, this silk scarf is as close to bacon as Paula Deen’s gonna get, y’all.
Peter Jackson
Maple Syrup by Old Field Farm, $12
For second breakfast!
Philip Roth
Viagra Canister by Jonathan Adler, $138
Not to be crass, but the recently retired author is going to have a lot of times on his, er, hands.
Quentin Tarantino
Back Up Socks by Ozone, $15
You have to be pretty badass to pull off holster socks. Somehow, we think the Django Unchained director will manage.
Rebecca Black
Stella McCartney Days of the Week Knickers, $195
We already know which pair will be her favorite.
Rihanna
Silver Stingray Claw Ring with Druzy Agate, $120
Shines bright, like a diamond.
Richard Branson
Travelers of The Solar System Screenprint, $55
The only thing that Sir Branson won’t like about this glow-in-the-dark screeenprint is the fact that his name isn’t on yet.
Robert Kirkman
Zombies Against The World t-shirt, $24
Thanks to The Walking Dead, the idea of a zombie apocalypse doesn’t seem that crazy anymore, does it?
Roseanne
Chrysoprase Pet Rock Necklace for Prosperity and Success, $48
If you saw Roseanne’s Nuts, then you know the comedian/Peace and Freedom Party presidential candidate has seriously mellowed out since moving to a macadamia nut farm in Hawaii.
Snookie
Pickle Flask, $24
Now that she’s no longer pregnant with baby Lorenzo, you know it’s only a matter of time…
Stephen Colbert
Thorin’s Map Parchment Art Print, $30
What do you get the Tolkien geek who already owns a replica of Anduril, Aragorn’s sword? A gorgeous treasure map to hang on his wall.
Tavi
Grace Coddington: A Memoir, $20
This will go over well, unless the precocious Rookie founder has already read it.
Ted Nugent
Peanut by Donna Wilson, £28
Remember this? The man is clearly nuts.
Tina Fey
I Love You / I Know Art Print, $30
Given Liz Lemon’s delightful choice of wedding dress, we think this geeky set of prints is entirely appropriate.
Tom Hanks
Mini Lamp Cufflink, $23
Just think: without Pixar, we’d never have gotten to hear Hanks say things like “There’s a snake in my boot!”
Tracy Morgan
Santa Shark iPhone 4 Soft Case, $40
Fun fact: Tracy Morgan has a shark tank installed in his basement.
Wes Anderson
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, $13
The drool-inducing Penguin Drop Caps series features covers designed by Jessica Hische, whose gorgeous lettering you might recall from Moonrise Kingdom.
Woody Allen
Nanoblock Empire State Building, $48
You love New York, remember? Now come back and make a movie here!
Zooey Deschanel
Brass Eraser Necklace, $95
The perfect quirky gift for TV’s most adorkable teacher.