2013 Grammy Awards: Ranking the Performances from Best to Worst

Well, now. The Grammys. The entire spectacle is like watching a huge whale thrashing ineffectively on a deserted beach, except the whale somehow has an unfathomable supply of money and gets an entire multi-bazillion dollar extravaganza on live TV to demonstrate to the world that it’s a slowly decaying behemoth. And yet we get together to watch them every year, wincing our way through interminable hours of awful award speeches and awful awards because of one thing: the performances — because just occasionally, there might be something good. Was that the case this year? Click through, gentle readers, and find out — we watched the whole damn thing so you don’t have to.

Frank Ocean

OK, so, let’s get the good stuff out of the way first. Even with a strange choice of song (“Forrest Gump”) and a weird, trippy conceptual projection thing that wasn’t quite as cool as its creators might have liked it to be, Ocean was head and shoulders over pretty much every other insufferable wazzock who played this evening. It’s a shame he only warranted one song.