We already had our doubts about Vulture’s “Sitcom Showdown,” their attempt to select, bracket-style, the best TV sitcom of the modern era, but at exactly 12:15 today, the feature lost any remaining credibility. Why? Writer Starlee Kine (who seems, judging by her This American Life appearances, to be a generally level-headed and thoughtful type) was given the task of selecting 30 Rock or Sex and the City — and she chose Sex and the City. THIS IS A THING THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. She typed the words “Winner: Sex and the City,” and then she hit send. Yes, Liz Lemon and company’s rapid-fire comedy classic was given the shaft for the “shock humor” and Hallmark bullshit of Carrie and the girls. It is the biggest show-biz travesty since Crash won Best Picture. Don’t believe us? We’ve stacked up the wit and wisdom of each show, on ten important topics. We’ll let the results speak for themselves.
BEING SINGLE:
“It’s really hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes — that’s why you sometimes need really special shoes!” – SATC
“I don’t need anyone. Because I can do every single thing that a person in a relationship can. Everything. Even zip up my own dress. You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Such as monologues.” — 30 Rock
SELF-REGARD:
“But the most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.” — SATC
“Let’s do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect, because ‘perfection’ is my middle name: Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy.” — 30 Rock
BEING A WOMAN:
“I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it.” — SATC
“Okay, fine, maybe I’m a little old-fashioned. I’m sorry I’m a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond.” — 30 Rock
RELATIONSHIPS:
“When it comes to relationships, maybe we’re all in glass houses, and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling down, some are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” – SATC
“Relationships are like sharks, Liz: if you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong.” — 30 Rock
SEXUAL FREEDOM:
“I will not be judged by you or society. I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel.” – SATC
“You wanna party? It’s $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling; end of list.” — 30 Rock
FRIENDSHIP:
“They say nothing lasts forever; dreams change, trends come and go, but friendships never go out of style.” – SATC
“Female jealousy is an evolutionary fact, Lemon. If you try to breed it out of them, you wind up with a lesbian with hip dysplasia.” –30 Rock
COMPATABILITY:
“Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free, until they find someone just as wild to run with.” – SATC
“I finally realized we’re not compatible. I mean I’m all for fantasy role-play, but Abu Ghraib?” — 30 Rock
CRYING:
“Maybe you’re only allotted a certain amount of tears per man; and I’ve used mine up.” — SATC
“Hey, nerds! Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi!” — 30 Rock
NEW YORK:
“New York is definitely haunted. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues with, you are bound to run into again and again until you resolve them.” – SATC
“It doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in New York. It’s still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.” — 30 Rock
HOW TO LIVE:
“Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn’t fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it’s comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart.” — SATC
“Live every week like it’s Shark Week.” — 30 Rock
Case closed.