You may have noticed a surfeit of “festival fashion” pieces in the past few years — places like Marie Claire and Harper’s Bazaar and, um, BuzzFeed are publishing guides as to what one is apparently supposed to wear to music festivals these days. We hate to sound like curmudgeons, but we’ve always been rather more concerned with the bands we’re seeing than the clothes we’re wearing. But still, who are we to fight a trend? As such, welcome to the inaugural Flavorwire Festival Fashion Guide, with tips on the hottest festival looks and where to get them!
The “Woodstock”
The classic boho festival style! Evoke the spirit of the ’60s with a look that’s oh-so-easy to emulate!
Mud: free! Dry cleaning bill: from $10 Trench foot medication: by prescription only
The “Cultural Appropriation”
If there’s one thing that Pocahontas knew, it was how to rock a headdress! An essential look for the summer! Your Native American friends will love it! So authentic!
Denim shorts: $35, American Apparel Fake Ray-Bans: $5, anywhere on Canal Street Native American headdress: 400 years of shameless exploitation priceless fun!
The “Faux Indie Girl”
We hear the Sonic Youths were big in ’91! Bring that iconic grunge look into the 21st century by imbuing it with your very own sense of general post-millennial ingenuousness!
Sonic Youth T-shirt: from older sibling’s wardrobe Shorts: we’re not entirely sure, but they probably cost more than your monthly rent
The “Big Stinky Dude Who Stands in Front of You at Every Show”
Because nothing says “authentic musical festival experience” like growing white-guy dreadlocks or some other terrifying Khal Drogo-esque ponytail situation, planting yourself front and center, and glaring at short girls who ask to stand in front of you!
Dreadlocks: ask your hairdresser (or just get one of those stupid dreadlock hats)! Large steel-capped boots for obliterating fellow patrons while crowdsurfing: $140, Dr. Martens Abiding odor of PBR and marijuana: model’s own
The “EDM”
The hottest new accessory for festivals this summer: ecstasy! Sure, what you’re buying contains one part actual MDMA to about eleventy gazillion parts god knows what, but hey, the guy selling it to you does claim to have added authentic rave dust from the Hacienda!
Fluorescent body paint: $13.99, Blacklight.com Fluorescent leg warmers: $31.99, RaveReady.com Fluorescent bikini top: $25, American Apparel Fluorescent brain cells: may fade over time!
The “I’m Not Actually Camping But Shhhhhhh, Don’t Tell Anyone”
Don’t listen to what those boring fuddie-duddies on other sites tell you! Stiletto heels and PVC pants are perfectly sensible festival attire!
4.4″ Fetish Rain Boots: $1040, Marc Jacobs Catwoman PVC pants: $100, Shampalove.com Pete Doherty: model’s own
The “Paper Shredder Disaster”
Don’t just sit there looking at that weird machine in the office that the boss sometimes uses after hours when tax time is coming up! Put it to good use!
Perfectly good dress that has been turned into something that looks like a dangerous lunatic has taken to it with a pair of garden shears: $125, Etsy
The “Jaded Music Journalist”
A classic look that never goes out of fashion — instead, it just retreats, with an abiding aura of mild existential despair, to a quiet and badly lit corner of the VIP bar once the headliners go on!
One and only pair of torn jeans: $50, Levi’s Battered Converse sneakers: $40, OMG Jeans on Broadway Minimal wardrobe options because of spending the best part of a decade’s income on records that are now basically worth nothing: essential!
The “Wearing Basically Nothing”
Perfect for getting into some asshole photographer’s “Best of Coachella” gallery! If it’s good enough for Lady Gaga, it’s good enough for you!
Body stocking: $15.99, American Apparel Underwear: $4.99, Hanes Wastoid dude grinning maniacally at your crotch: price available upon request
The “Wearing Absolutely Nothing at All”
Hi, mom!