“Hi. It’s Louis. I’m here doing one of these again.” Ahead of Saturday night’s premiere of the stand-up special Louis C.K. Oh My God on HBO, Louis C.K. hosted an AMA (Ask Me Anything) session over on Reddit. Questions ranged from the most amateur jokes he’s told and his worst hecklers to money matters, his culinary talents, and Ewan McGregor’s dick. We combed through the conversation to pick out the best and pithiest of the comedian’s offerings; after the jump, 16 things we learned.
1. Louis C.K. cooks wholesome, nutritious meals for his kids: “I try to rotate the menu so they don’t get sick of stuff. I used to make rice and beans a lot and that’s getting old now. I love making sautéed brussel sprouts but only one of my kids likes it. I love baking chickens. We do that a lot. lots of lemon garlic and olive oil, salt, paprika, pepper. Just tons of all that and cook that fucker at 450 for an hour then turn it down.”
2. Louis C.K. doesn’t know what Ewan McGregor’s up to: “you’ll have to ask Ewan Mcgregor that. I can tell you that his cock is fine. Because it’s in my mouth right now. I am not joking. I am blowing Ewan Mcgregor right this second.”
3. No joke is over the line: “I like joking about everything. This will sound too lofty because it is. This is going to an extreme to make a point: Saying a subject is too awful or painful to joke about is like saying a disease is too awful to be treated. Please do not take that out of context, the context being that I realize this is a crazy statement and I’m going to an extreme to make a point.”
4. Here’s “the shittiest, least funny joke” Louis C.K. has ever told: “I saw Walter Mondale said on the news ‘I am ready to be president of the united states. Well. Phew. Finally he’s ready.’ I did that ‘joke’ my first time on stage in 1984. nightmare.” (Amid “I don’t get it” comments, one fan helpfully added, “I’m cringing for you.”)
5. Louis C.K.’s worst heckler is related to him: “Donald Rumsfeld is my uncle. I’m not kidding. I see him every sunday at our family meeting. Whoops. I mean. No. I’m not a lizard too. LIke him. Oh shit. I better erase this and not press”
6. If the world smiled, Louis C.K. reckons we’d all be dead:
Fan: “Hi Louis, just wanted to say I’m a huge fan of your stand up and your show. Good job! Keep making the world smile :)”
Louis C.K.: “you realize if the world smiled there would be millions dead?”
7. Louis C.K. gets paid whenever we acknowledge his existence. Seriously.
Q: “Do you get money every time the RawDog comedy station on Sirius plays one of your bits? If so is it cents? How do you feel about ticket masters attempt to make it illegal for you and other likes you to sell your own tickets to your own shows?”
A: “I get 12 dollars every time someone remembers I exist.”
8. Louis has just one line for the (hypothetical) prospect of appearing Whose Line Is It Anyway: “No I would not.”
9. Louis C.K. thinks you should stay in school, kid.
Fan: “I’m supposed to be paying attention in class but I’m reading this instead”
Louis C.K.: “stop it. THis is nothing. Get your education.”
10. Louis C.K.’s not trained as an actor, but of course he enjoyed hanging out with the Parks and Rec cast: “I loved working with amy and all her people. I never took an acting class.”
11. HBO was totally chill about the $5 download for the Shameless audio: “HBO was very cool about the shameless audio on my site and equally cool about the special. The special (Louis CK oh my god on HBO april 13th at 10pm) will be fully available on my site in september, same as everything else I sell there. I think it was rather forward thinking of hbo to allow it. Plus if they didn’t I would not have given them this special.”
12. Louis C.K. is doing a lot of thinking while on hiatus from Louie: ”I’m thinking about the show all the time. It’s about having more time to think about it and get the next season right.”
13. If he wasn’t funny, Louis C.K. might screw up your million dollar lawsuit and your car: “I wanted to be a lawyer and argue cases of civil rights before the supreme court. Or a car mechanic. I would have sucked at both.”
14. Louis C.K. puts his family before his comedy, and they’re laughing about it: “My kids know everything about what I do and about jokes and what jokes are and what comedy is. All we do is laugh and joke when I’m not raising them or feeding them or cleaning up after them or enjoying their company.”
15. Louis C.K. is a mixed patriot: “I have mixed feelings about everything including America which i think is normal and healthy. I tell you what really makes me sick is the phrase ‘american exceptionalism’ the idea that we just start with the premise that we are better and so anything we do that benefits us is okay. I mean there’s nothing more insane or inhuman than that. I am a huge fan of people. Most of them. And there are character traits that combine americans that I have enormous affection and love for. and there are things about americaNS and America that I don’t like. I don’t think it’s a healthy attitude toward any group place or person to just love unconditionally to the exclusion of others without examining and trying to fix faults. Okay that’s enough of this shit. jesus. i’m a comedian. who cares.”
16. TMI on the mightiest shit Louis C.K.’s ever taken: “I can describe the best one I ever took. It was black and brown and all over your sleeping face. Remember? yeah. That was me. All the rest of every shit in my life are tied for second.”