This week, we laughed out loud at this hilarious Craigslist ad, in which a woman seeks a Robb Stark lookalike to have sex with (we hope she found him). The ridiculous ad reminded us of all the equally ridiculous erotic fanfiction out there, and so we went snooping to see what we could find. Though there are plenty of fanfics about the kind of characters you’d expect (see a terrible Harry Potter/Good Charlotte/all-purpose Internet goth one here), there are also quite a few amateur scribes out there turning the characters from highbrow literary works to, er, devious purposes. After the jump, ten works of — extremely NSFW — erotic fiction of varying qualities, each based on Very Serious Literature. All we have to say is: oof.
The Great Gatsby: We Found Love in a Hopeless Era , MikiRave096
“Gatsby could feel the heat rising inside him. The pleasure was heavy in his abdomen. He could feel the coils tightening as he imagined Nick whimpering his name through stifled moans. Slowly opening his eyes, he beheld a Beauty. A deep blush embellished Nick’s mellifluous cheeks. His wet tongue ran across his dry, slightly parted lips. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. Most importantly, his bright eyes stared intensely at HIM. Gatsby was on cloud nine. Nick was bliss. Overwhelmed by pleasure, Gatsby released his seed deep within Daisy with a loud moan. He thrust a few more times, riding his orgasm.”
Jane Eyre: In Retrospective , madnorthnorthwest
Rochester, whose face had darkened at this suggestion, turned to Jane. “You know I did not want anyone but you. And you are still the only one I want. And always will be.” He lifted his hand, placed it at her cheek and smiled. “Because of this impartial look you have always given me.” He kissed her eyes. “And because of that beautiful neck of yours that renders any necklace in the world useless.” He kissed her neck. “And because of that shy smile that flashes over your lips when you glance at certain parts of my body and think I don’t notice it.” “You…?”, she just stumbled and flushed. He kissed her mouth. She kissed back, rose to her knees and pushed him towards the trunk of the tree. He drew her close to him, made her sit on his lap. She felt his desire. She enjoyed having this effect on him. But it made her wish for more. She wanted to feel him closer. She began unbuttoning his vest, then his shirt, then his trousers. She let her own desire guide her actions until Edward had completely surrendered to her. For Jane, the world ceased to exist. She did not hear the birds in the tree anymore, did not smell the flowers that blossomed around them. She only felt Edward’s breath caress her neck, his fingers roam across her back (gently at first, then more demanding), felt the harmony of their movements take her breath away.
Wuthering Heights: Wuthering Nights , I.J. Miller
Catherine broke away suddenly with a nervous lurch. “A snake, a serpent has brushed against my leg.” Heathcliff turned crimson with embarrassment and ducked his head underwater. It became clear to Catherine that the serpent was the growth, the hardness of Heathcliff’s uncontrolled male feelings. How thrilling it was that the touch of their lips could raise such a powerful surge through her body and inspire such a potent reaction in Heathcliff. SHe longed for the heat of his mouth again, and perhaps another brush with the well-formed power of the serpent. But was this what a lady should desire from a gentleman?
The Picture of Dorian Gray: Led Astray , XxBeccixX
I moaned gently into his mouth, opening submissively when his tongue swiped against my lower lip. I was intoxicated. But not by drink. No, that was nothing in comparison to my own brand of liquor. I was drunk on Dorian, all that he was; his scent, his taste, his looks, everything was perfect. He was everything I could have wanted. His tongue warred with my own, but I submitted easily to the commanding strokes as he tugged me towards the open door that led to the private part of his house. He slammed it behind him and didn’t even enter any of the rooms as he pushed me face first against the wall. I moaned at the rough treatment, my entire body shuddering at the supreme aura that surrounded his every move. His hand slipped round to roughly fondle my throbbing need as he bit and sucked on my ear before turning my quickly and pushing me down in front of him.
To Kill a Mockingbird: My Night With Atticus , lame de baguette
“I’ve missed you so much.” Atticus said while rubbing his nose against mine. “I missed you more. It’s so hard without you here.” I replied with my fingers running through his amazing dark brown hair. “I want you more than anything. I love you.” I would have said I loved him too but he kissed me before I had the chance, and I’m sure he figured it out in the love I expressed during the time our lips were locked together. That simple kiss turned into French kissing. Atticus made slight moans that turned me on to such a high extent. The water from the shower also made a nice contribution to our foreplay. Atticus’s stark naked wet body pressed against my own was the most astounding thing I had ever experienced. He took hold of my left thigh and raised it up while gently pushing me against the wall underneath the showerhead. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. Our lips then separated, but this time it wasn’t as cold since Atticus was tracing my facial features with his nose, and the water on his face traveled onto my own nose. His eyes looked even more passionate than before, and that brought me to higher extents of desire for his love. “I love you so much.” Atticus said while resting his forehead against mine since my head was now in level with his. “I love you more. You will have my heart for all of eternity.” Atticus grinned while taking my right hand and pressing it against the wall with his own. His fingers fit perfectly between mine. Then the excitement began.
The Count of Monte Cristo: Master , Colette Gale
“She arched toward him as his hands smoothed down her narrow back, her chin tipping up and the bundle of walnut hair loosening beneath her skull. As he bent to close his lips around an offered nipple, Dantes’ own desire surged when he heard her soft cry of pleasure turn to a deeper one of need. Her legs shifted, open slightly next to him, her bare thigh brushing his salt-crusted seaman’s trousers. He hadn’t even bothered to change before coming to take her away to their reunion on this secluded hillock.”
Brideshead Revisited: Under the Elms , Lucy-the-Starfish
He pounced on my then like a cheetah after it’s prey and slammed his lips into mine as he torn off my remaining clothes for my to leave me completely naked. “Never do that again Charles” he growled at me, punctuating each word with a kiss. He moved down to my neck and then my stomach with kisses all the way down to my erection. He licked up and down the length once teasingly slowly and I groaned obscenely loudly as his hot, wet tongue slid up and down in progressively faster movement. “Sebastian please” I gasped as he licked faster and faster.
Pride and Prejudice: Pride and Prejudice: Hidden Lusts , Mitzi Szereto
“The sisters looked at each other and shook their heads. Despite Mr. Bennet’s best efforts to remove most every item from her room, Lydia had undoubtedly found something of interest to rub against. Her breathy cries of ‘oh! oh! oh!’ served to awaken both Kitty and Mary, ad they shouted for Lydia to quiet down, which was followed by their mother’s cry of ‘Oh, my nerves!'”
The Catcher in the Rye: An Unexpected Confrontation , ArielleLN
“‘Do come in’ I said with a ‘sexy’ voice, she slowly walked in and didn’t even look around. ‘So how much money do ya got on ‘cha?’ she said with a monotone. I could tell that wasn’t her original voice. I hated that, when girls talk to you in a different voice because they don’t like you or have something better to do. ‘Is that really important?’ I said. ‘How much money?’ she repeated. ‘Damn, enough to pay ya.’ She was starting to annoy the hell out of me. She then lifted up her green dress and threw it on the ground. Somehow the sight of that dress on the ground depressed me, so I hung it up in the coat closet. ‘So what’s your name?’ I asked. She didn’t reply right away and instead looked around the room. She walked over to the night stand and picked up the condom seal and waved it in front of me with a slight smirk. ‘Uh,’ I repeated, ‘What’s you name.’ She sighed, ‘Jane.’ I sucked it a huge gulp of air. Damn it hit me like a brick wall. ‘Did you use to put all your pawns on one side while playing chess?’ I don’t even know why I asked that. ‘It’s just that I know a girl back at home that when I’d play chess with her, hell, she’s put all the pawns on one side’ I said with a smile on my face, remembering Jane. I used to hang out with her all the time; throughout my childhood and some of my teen years. She looked away with her mouth a gape. Damn she looked so pretty with the dim light. I hadn’t noticed it yet, but she was only in her underwear. I suddenly felt hotter than before, I mean, I’ve seen my fair share of underwear, but she was different. I had to continue with the conversation, I have no idea why, but I just had to. I whispered, ‘Were you ever friends with a guy named Holden Caulfield?’ He eyes widened, my heart started to tighten. ‘H-holden?’ she gasped quietly. I nodded and slowly walked up to her. Damn she was so pretty, especially that she’s Jane, She walked toward me too. I felt shutter through my whole body when we embraced. I breathed in her sent I sucked it all up so that I would never forget it.”
Lord of the Flies: Cruel and Unusual Punishment , XXXMystery
Look, we’re not even going to post an excerpt from this, but just so you know — a Lord of the Flies rape fanfic exists. It is highly disturbing. Click through at your own peril.