The Absolute Worst Poems by Celebrities

We’ve explored deplorable poets in music — like the oft-laughable Jim Morrison and that hilarious ode to his penis — but after spotting the bad poetry of Suzanne Somers on Dangerous Minds, we went searching for more celebrity poesy. Some stars, like Viggo Mortensen, have displayed a bit of genuine talent, but most celebs are predictably oblivious and self-absorbed when it comes to their laughably bad writing. See what happens when pop culture icons pretend to be poets and fail miserably.


Suzanne Somers

What deep thoughts does the Thighmaster mistress have? Touch Me: The Poems of Suzanne Somers revealed all in 1980. Behold, “Organic Girl:”

Organic girl dropped by last night
For nothing in particular
Except to tell me again how beautiful and serene she feels
On uncooked vegetables and wheat germ fortified by bean sprouts
Mixed with yeast and egg whites on really big days
She not only meditates regularly, but looks at me like I should
And lectures me about meat and ice cream
And other aggressive foods I shouldn’t eat.

The gem “Sometimes I Want to Be a Little Girl” features an accompanying photo of the Three’s Company actress lounging on a tire swing, with pigtails (natch).