In the music industry, summer means one thing: festivals. Lots of festivals. Gazillions of festivals. So many festivals, in fact, that the choice of which to attend is kinda overwhelming. Thankfully, Flavorwire is here to help! Well, sort of, anyway — we figured it was time to break out our patented Stereotyping Technique™ and apply it to the bewildering array of festivals on offer, giving a convenient roundup of the people to whom various events will appeal. As ever, this is all in fun, and as ever, our own stereotype is on here. See if you can guess which one it is.
Angry kids with dyed black hair, multiple facial piercings, and a loving parent to pick them up after the show.
Gen Y types who still read Spin
New Yorkers who have purchased a pair of expensive Hunter boots in the last couple of days, which shall remain at the back of the wardrobe until this time next year, “just in case.”
New Yorkers who have not purchased such boots and, truth be told, are kinda sniggering at the people who did.
Indecisive types who like to take a little of everything at the buffet.
Telluride Bluegrass Festival
Men who own banjos.
Aesthetes who are very concerned about the view when choosing a hotel room.
“Conscious” types who guard their marijuana dispensary card with their lives.
People from Australia who are very nervous about the possibility of getting shot.
Hollow-eyed music journalists who have lost the ability to metabolize caffeine.
Rock the Bells
White people who enjoy hip hop.
Made in America
White people who like the idea of enjoying hip hop.
Newport Folk Festival
Kindly well-meaning boomers who get upset when they read about how their generation has comprehensively fucked the planet.
Girls who just can’t see what the big deal is about wearing those Native American headdresses, anyway. They’re cute!
People who didn’t make it to Coachella.
Young men in shorts, with beards.
Gathering of the Vibes
Middle-aged men in shorts, with beards.
Confused and slightly terrified Neutral Milk Hotel fans.
✧*:✧*: (✿◠‿◠) RAVERS (◠‿◠✿) :*✧:*✧
Bros who fancy themselves as ravers.
Bros who fancy themselves as ravers and clearly didn’t go to Governors Ball.
People who like the idea of making a pilgrimage to the spiritual home of PBR.
Monterey Jazz Festival
The same people who have been going for the last four decades.
Large, muscular men who make only cursory apologies for kicking you in the head when crowd-surfing.
Austin City Limits
Veteran Texans who stare blankly when you mention South by Southwest.
Austin Psych Fest
Veteran trippers who stare blankly when you mention… well, anything at all, really.
Well, we’re not going to say that word. See? We didn’t say it.
South by Southwest
People who run marathons for fun.
Gathering of the Juggalos
Oh go on, guess.