As any obsessive fan probably knows already, Madonna Louise Ciccone turns 55 today! To celebrate, we’re breaking out our patented Stereotyping Technique, applying it to a whole shitload of songs from over the course of Madonna’s lengthy and insanely successful career. Click through to see what your favorite Madonna song says about you — and, as ever, keep in mind that this is a lighthearted exercise (and that our own stereotype is there with all the others).
People who write “First!” in comment sections.
Veteran downtown gay guys who never quite managed to talk their way into Studio 54.
People who drink cocktails with little umbrellas in them.
Happy-go-lucky types who really like jellybeans.
Gender studies majors.
“Like a Virgin”
Club kids who have grown up and moved to Queens, and secretly voted Republican all along.
“Into the Groove”
Girls whose wardrobe is still desperately seeking Susan.
“Dress You Up”
People who may at some point have attended FIT.
“Live to Tell”
Earnest types who use the word “powerful” to describe music.
“Papa Don’t Preach”
Gen X-ers with sons and daughters who are now older than they were when they first heard this song.
“Open Your Heart”
Hustlers who attended strip clubs in their childhood, which is perfectly normal, obviously.
“La Isla Bonita”
Girls who have that weird bubbly handwriting and dot their “i”s with little hearts.
“Who’s That Girl”
People who like Richard Curtis movies.
“Causing a Commotion”
“Like a Prayer”
Potentially lapsed Catholics.
English lit majors.
Sad-eyed friends whose childhood is absolutely not up for casual discussion.
Fashionistas who dress exclusively in black and white.
Girls who have at some point in their lives “done” burlesque.
“Justify My Love”
Lapsed Catholics with subscriptions to Kink.com.
“This Used to Be My Playground”
Those people who constantly talk about how NYC used to be better when you stood the risk of getting shot on any given street corner.
People who have the “vintage” tab on RedTube bookmarked in their browser.
“Deeper and Deeper”
Gay dudes who would secretly like to have been Edie Sedgwick.
Bret Easton Ellis fans.
Conflicted jazz purists.
People who own well-worn copies of both Massive Attack’s Blue Lines and Portishead’s Dummy.
“Bye Bye Baby”
Gay dudes who would secretly like to have been Liza Minnelli.
Gen X-ers who consider “sophisticated” the ultimate compliment.
“Take a Bow”
People who cry during the sad bits of romantic comedies.
“One More Chance”
People who sleep during the sad bits of romantic comedies.
Indie fans who don’t actually like pop music at all but thought that Ray of Light was great, actually.
“Ray of Light”
Indie fans who absolutely like pop music and know that Ray of Light was great.
“Drowned World/Substitute for Love”
People whose first choice for dinner party music is and will always be Moby’s Play.
“The Power of Good-Bye”
Girls who use the Sutro filter on every single Instagram they upload.
“Nothing Really Matters”
Nine Inch Nails fans.
Bros who have used the word “shagadelic” in a non-ironic context.
Girls who own cowboy hats.
“Don’t Tell Me”
Southerners who know every word to “Sweet Home Alabama.”
“What It Feels Like for a Girl”
Bourgeois types who live in the West Village and occasionally forward earnest emails about Joseph Kony. In comic sans.
People who sing advertising jingles as they walk down the street.
Obsessive fans of Justin Timberlake.
Latter-day types who think that this song is actually “Holiday.”
“Give Me All Your Luvin’”
Girls who wear sweatpants with large brand names emblazoned on the ass, and listen exclusively to WBLS.
“Girl Gone Wild”
Hi-NRG clubbers who get very, very angry when you say anything even remotely nasty about their goddess.