Justin Timberlake’s new single “TKO” dropped last week, and because we are professionals, we forced ourselves to listen to it despite the fact that it starts with the refrain, “She killed me with that coochie-coochie-coo.” The song doesn’t get a whole lot better, to be honest, but that particular line is surely the least appetizing sex-related lyric of the year (honestly, who uses the word “cooch” outside of high school?!), and it started an intra-office conversation about where it rates in the pantheon of hilariously awful sex lyrics. Here are the results of our highly scientific discussion: a giggle-inducing survey of the worst of the worst. You’re welcome.
Justin Timberlake — “Strawberry Bubblegum”
The offending lyrics: “Little girl won’t you be my strawberry bubblegum/ Then I’d be your blueberry lollipop/ And then I’d love you ‘til I’ll make you pop”
The whole coochie-coochie crisis isn’t exactly Timberlake’s first offense against good taste. Apart from songs that are several eons too long, the defining feature of The 20/20 Experience is that its lyrics are largely dire, which is a shame, because FutureSex/LoveSounds was home to some pretty effective pop lyricism. If you’re comparing your paramour’s vagina to strawberry bubblegum, though, it’s hard not to sound a) creepy or b) ridiculous; this song manages both. (And then there’s the whole penis-as-lollipop metaphor, to which we will return in due course.)