It’s Halloween on Thursday, and if you’re not having costume anxiety, then you’re probably having playlist anxiety. We can definitely help with the former, and as for the latter… well, there are always going to be debates. The best we can do is let you know exactly what you’re up against — so here we go with our patented Flavorwire Stereotyping Technique™, which is scientifically proven to let you know exactly what people’s favorite Halloweens songs say about them. As ever, our obligatory disclaimer: this is all in fun, so don’t get upset, and yes, our stereotype is there too. See if you can guess which one it is.
Blue Oyster Cult — “Don’t Fear the Reaper”
Dudes who can recite many Saturday Night Live sketches — and the entire Rick James thing from Chapelle’s Show — verbatim.
Ray Parker Jr. — “Ghostbusters”
Thirtysomethings who also get excited whenever there’s a screening of The Goonies.
Warren Zevon — “Werewolves of London”
Old dudes who lament the decline of the Village Voice.
Michael Jackson — “Thriller”
Eighties holdovers who will always remember MJ as that globe-bestriding megastar in the red jacket.
Sonic Youth — “Halloween”
Earnest men who own many, many guitars.
David Bowie — “Scary Monsters”
Kanye West — “Monster”
Ozzy Osbourne — “Bark at the Moon”
Long-haired bros who will be snorting ants by the end of the evening.
Violent Femmes — “Country Death Song”
Older siblings who also maintain a morbid fascination with the work of Stephen King and Dean Koontz.
Black Sabbath — “Black Sabbath”
People who spell “magick” with a “k” and are very, very familiar with the works of Aleister Crowley.
Diamanda Galás — “The Litanies of Satan”
Genuinely terrifying types who think Crowley is for kids.
The Rolling Stones — “Sympathy for the Devil”
Alice Cooper — “Welcome to My Nightmare”
Anyone who has seen Dazed and Confused seven times or more.
The Cramps — “I Was a Teenage Werewolf”
Veteran punks who kinda hated the CBGB movie.
The Ramones — “Pet Cemetery”
Veteran punks who really, really hated the CBGB movie.
Talking Heads — “Psycho Killer”
Earnest types who have read all of How Music Works and often write essays whose titles begin with the word “On.”
Siouxsie and the Banshees — “Halloween”
Veteran goths who like Halloween because it’s the one day of the year they don’t get sidelong glances on the subway.
Bauhaus — “Bela Lugosi Is Dead”
Sad-eyed fans who refuse to discuss Peter Murphy.
The Misfits — “Halloween”
The seven people on the planet who still insist that Glenn Danzig is not an utter, utter cock.
Dead Kennedys — “Halloween”
People who remember the ’80s and always thought Danzig was an utter, utter cock.
Screamin’ Jay Hawkins — “I Put a Spell on You”
Anyone who thinks Lost Highway is David Lynch’s best film.
Whodini — “The Freaks Come Out at Night”
Old school hip hoppers whose actual, genuine nightmare is a Halloween party where the stereo is dominated by Mike Will productions.
Suicide — “Frankie Teardop”
Forbidding men in leather jackets who have never, ever smiled.
Anything by Salem
People who knew exactly what was cool in 2009.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds — “Red Right Hand”
Skyhooks — “Horror Movie”
DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince — “Nightmare on My Street”
Respectable couples who live in the suburbs and still use the word “hip.”
The Rocky Horror Picture Show — “Time Warp”
Dudes who insist they don’t actually enjoy dressing up in drag but nevertheless do the Time Warp with alarming gusto.
Throbbing Gristle — “Hamburger Lady”
That weird guy no one seems to know, who just killed the party by putting this on the stereo.
Bobby (Boris) Pickett and the Crypt-Kickers — “Monster Mash”
The people who make DJing on Halloween a misery every year.