Your correspondent has just finished listening to the stream of R. Kelly’s Black Panties, an experience that’s best approximated as someone greasing up to you on the dance floor at a questionable club and starting to hump your leg, or rubbing a prominent erection up against you on the subway. (You can insert your own “stream” joke here, too.) The album encompasses 18 songs and lasts well over an hour, and since basically every track is about R.’s prowess in bed, he’s had to be creative in how he approaches his subject matter. Luckily, we’re dealing with the master of the hilariously silly sex metaphor here, and predictably, this album isn’t short on ridiculous ways to describe sex. From lobsters and Oreos to lava and motorcycles, we’ve collected the funniest.
Ludacris: “My tongue just like a jacuzzi jet” — “Legs Shakin'” Pro tip: if you want someone to do a “sexy” rap, Ludacris probably isn’t the best choice.
Ludacris: “Make me dribble like CP3” — “Legs Shakin'” It’s true, Chris Paul can dribble a basketball very well. Whether this is a fact worth raising during sex remains debatable (as, indeed, does the entire dribbling thing).
“I love to lick the middle like an Oreo/ I want to bite it/ And get inside it” — “Cookie” Ladies, if a dude comparing your vagina to an Oreo turns you on, then R. Kelly’s your man.
“Want to flip you over and crack you open like a lobster” — “Cookie” And if the Oreo doesn’t do it, what could be sexier than… a crustacean that gets boiled alive for your eating pleasure?
“My bed could be your stage, and I’mma make you a star/ Your legs in the air, my hands all up in your cookie jar” — “Cookie” R. Kelly: the man who’s never seen a couple of metaphors he doesn’t want to mix.
“Ass full like it’s been stung by the whole hive” — “Throw Money On You” That sounds like fun, right? Oh.
“He playing you/ Bassline/ But you don’t need a drummer/ You’re too fine” — “You Deserve Better” If it’s a choice between being plucked and hit with drumsticks, I’d probably go for the former, to be honest.
“Sexing you like 50 states/ My train all over your back” — “You Deserve Better” OK, this makes no sense.
“Pussy talk to me/ Pussy sing to me/ Yeah, so much joy it bring to me” — “Marry the Pussy” For the record, this song also features the immortal lines “I just wanna marry the pussy (x3) / Wanna go down on my knees/ Ask that pussy to marry me.” And also “Would you marry me, pussy? Say yes/ Say yes/ Say yes/ Say yes.”
“I spank that pussy like it’s so naughty/ Then I drive that pussy crazy/ That’s my Bugatti” — “Marry the Pussy” Yes, ladies, first he will hit your vagina, and then he will drive a car over it. Buckle up.
“I’m a college grad, girl/ I got my degree/ I’m the head of my class… Tonight, you’re lying with a sex genius” — “Genius” But, sadly, not a lyrical one.
R. Kelly: “You don’t know you’re addicted ’til you relapse” Kelly Rowland: “I’m back smokin’ you” R. Kelly: “You’re right back injecting me” — “All the Way” Right up there with that damn Justin Timberlake song as far as silly drug metaphors go, although Kelly does get extra cred for the sly double entendres of “smoking” and “injecting.”
“‘Bout to hit it out the park again/ Going, going, going, going/ Gone /Going, going, going, going/ Gone” — “All the Way” Bye!
“Models roll my indo/ I beat the pussy, Django” — “My Story” This is the second time on the album he has broken out the “beating the pussy” metaphor (he also promises to “beat the pussy ’til it’s blue” during “Cookie”). Generally, punching your paramour’s genitals is not the route to sexual bliss (unless you’re into such things, I guess).
2 Chainz: “Pilot seat, I need a co-pilot/ Annotate kiss an ass in both mouths/ Them talking both lips, what you know about boat trips?” — “My Story” Um.
“She’s a church girl but man, she’s blowing holy smokes/ Showed her the Jesus piece/ Now she got the Holy Ghost” — “My Story” OK, this is kinda hilarious. But what will Jesus think?
Juicy J: “I’mma make it happen/ I’mma make it rain/ Then I make it flood/ Then I make her drown/ Take her to my place/ Throw another ace/ Then I’mma paint her face like a clown” — “Show Ya Pussy” Maybe Juicy J’s not such a great choice for sexy rap duties either.
“Lick up/ Sip up/ Girl, you got that lava flowing” — “Physical” Because nothing’s sexier than 2000ºF molten rock.
“I’mma be your addiction/ About to Kama Sutra you/ Filling your prescription” — “Every Position” Next time you’re at Duane Reade, ask for the Kama Sutra. I dare you.
“Make your body sing to me/ Sounds like R. Kelly’s greatest hits” — “Lights On” And finally, the cycle of narcissism is complete!