Stereotyping You by Your Favorite Movie of 2013

There are just a little over two weeks left of the year, which means it’s almost too late to run any year-end list of the best cinematic offerings of 2013 (which seems silly, really, since most of us still haven’t seen a handful of Oscar-baiting movies due out at Christmas). But it is the perfect time for a gratuitous exercise in stereotypes, which is why you’ll find an incredibly insightful and — most importantly — correct list of what your favorite movie of the year says about you. Will you think I nailed it? Because I think I nailed it. 


The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
You’re a grown-ass woman.

American Hustle
Halloween is your favorite holiday.

You’ve never heard of Sissy Spacek.

Evil Dead
You’ve never heard of Bruce Campbell.

Monsters University
You’re a cool dad.

Oz the Great and Powerful
You’re still having acid flashbacks from college.

Captain Phillips
You celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day every year.


The Great Gatsby
You wish every book you had to read in high school could be 3D.

Frances Ha
You’re running late to your shift at the Park Slope co-op.

Inside Llewyn Davis
You’ve made a total of ten dollars playing your accordion on the subway platform.

World War Z
You were hoping for a zombie Brad Pitt.

About Time
You wish Rachel McAdams could be in every romantic drama.

The Best Man Holiday
You’re definitely not seeing A Madea Christmas.


You’re a self-loathing Midwesterner.

You watch NASCAR races solely for the potential car crashes.

Lee Daniels’ The Butler
You’ve been desperate for a Forrest Gump sequel for years.

You’re Judi Dench.

Having kids has now forced you to laugh at the lame for-adults jokes in children’s movies.

The Wolf of Wall Street
You miss Bros Icing Bros.


The Hangover Part III
You’re a straight dude.

Iron Man 3
You’re a straight dude.

Blue Is the Warmest Color
You’re a straight dude.

Dallas Buyers Club
You’re a straight dude.

Fast & Furious 6
You’re a straight dude, but you’d consider getting a handjob if you were drunk enough.


All Is Lost
You love the J. Peterman catalog.

The Heat
Identity Thief was your second-favorite movie of 2013.

Blue Jasmine
You’re fine. Fine! Nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine. You’re FINE.

Before Midnight
You’re not quite over your parents’ divorce.

Pacific Rim
You care about explosions and identity politics.

August: Osage County
You’re still surprised you didn’t hate it.

The Croods
You’re either eight years old or a liar.

Man of Steel
You used to be a huge Superman fan.


The Conjuring
You’ll take any excuse to see Lili Taylor in a movie.

You went to Space Camp three years after it was socially acceptable.

Star Trek Into Darkness
You’ve reapproriated the word “nerd.”

Grown Ups 2
You’re Adam Sandler.

Olympus Has Fallen
You thought you saw White House Down.

12 Years a Slave
[All jokes redacted.]