5 Funny Headlines From Reductress, The Onion for Ladymedia

With great power comes great responsibility, and with being a woman comes lots of media aimed at you and your desires and how you can be fully attractive enough so you can have it all in a patriarchal society, you hideous hosebeast who probably needs to go to Sephora to hide your light, you.

It’s all very confusing, this woman business, and the website Reductress takes on all those mixed messages with its fake-news spoofs of lady-targeted media. In honor of Reductress’ new, sexy redesign and expansion into video content (including interviews with Janeane Garofalo and Julie Klausner) and femme-driven comedy nights in NYC, we thought we’d countdown some of their best headlines.

5. Brooklyn’s New ‘It’ Girl, Brooklyn, Does Brooklyn’s New Brooklyn-Inspired Trend

“I call that the Williamsburg sunbeam — it’s this playful, beautiful sort of morning sun that only shines between North 6th and North 10th Street on a Williamsburg, Brooklyn, morning.”

4. From Dumb Slut to Hot Slut: Improving Your Self-Talk

“Stick a post-it on your bathroom mirror that says, ‘You are the most beautiful hooker I have ever seen.'”

3. My Husband Still Doesn’t Know I’m A Horse-Obsessed Girl

“First I corrected him and told him they were horses not ponies, and then I went into a blind rage (particularly because horses are not weird but are incredible beasts that could kill you an instant but instead choose to be your lifelong best friend), in which I threw out all my blouses and only kept my neutral neutrals.”

2. How to Fix Your Sad With Color Paint on Your Face

“Makeup makeup. Makeup. You see now everything (is all lies)!”

1. 8 Sex Positions That Will Blow His Mind and Destroy His Penis

“While he’s performing oral on you, knee him in the face. While he’s reeling, knee him in the groin. You: 1, Penis: 0 (utterly destroyed).”