Continuing our beloved series, Flavorwire looks into the rivalries, feuds, frenmities, and good-natured(ish) ribbing of an industry filled with the fragile egos, big personalities, and sharp wits that make for excellent insults: comedy. From Comedy Central roasts to Jay ‘n’ Conan to Twitter spats, there’s no shortage of verbal spats out there, but here’s a selection of the very best. Spoiler: there’s little love lost between Chevy Chase and, well, everyone else.
30. Patton Oswalt on David Cross: “Oddly enough, both Brian Posehn and I were offered the part of Ian, the agent [in Alvin and the Chipmunks]. We both threw the script across the room in disgust. David Cross caught it.” (Turned out to be an attempt at an inside joke, but still. Ouch.)
29. Marc Maron on Patton Oswalt: “Hey, could you call me? I need a long-winded, wordy explanation of something simple.”
28. and 27. Patton Oswalt on Marc Maron: “Just listen to the first ten minutes of any episode of your podcast.”
“I would [jerk off], but every porn site I visit has a ‘Slow Loading Due to Maron Usage’ warning.”
26. Marc Maron on Michael Ian Black: “I was just reading your book. I got mine in the free box at Goodwill…it’s ranked 69,551 in Books! Good for you!”
25. and 24. Michael Ian Black on Marc Maron: “‘Everything is garbage and principles are stupid.’ So you watched your show, huh?”
“I asked how I could find the TV show Maron and [customer service] said they hadn’t heard of it. I described you. The guy goes, ‘You mean Lewis Black?’ I said, ‘Bitter Jewish comedian with a chip on his shoulder about everything.’ They said, ‘Sounds derivative.’ I said, ‘I know.'”
23. Johnny Carson on Chevy Chase: “He couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.”
22. Paul Shaffer on Chevy Chase: “You made us all laugh so much… and then inexplicably stopped in about 1978.”
21. Todd Barry on Chevy Chase: “I think you make really thought-provoking movies. The kind of movies that raise ethical questions, like: ‘Is it okay to ask for a refund at a dollar theater?'”
20. Jimmy Kimmel, on/as Jay Leno: “Conan O’Brien today announced he’s leaving NBC. He released a statement that said, I won’t participate in the destruction of the Tonight Show. Fortunately, though, I will.”
19. David Letterman on Jay Leno: “Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him.”
18. and 17. Conan O’Brien on Jay Leno: “To the kids out there watching: you can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.”
“NBC has the Olympics. It’s a big deal! NBC will finally get to show somebody who’s OK with passing the torch.”
16. Dean Martin on Jerry Lewis: “You can talk about love all you want. To me, you’re nothing but a fucking dollar sign.”
15. Whitney Cummings on Joan Rivers: “I’ve always wanted to know what Ivana Trump would look like if she were dating Chris Brown.”
14. Joan Rivers on Chelsea Handler: “She’s not a genius. She’s an ordinary girl that fucked somebody high up in the industry, and they gave her a break, and she’s doing okay!”
13. George Carlin on Richard Pryor: “As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.”
12. Bill Engvall on Jeff Foxworthy: “If you’ve shot everything but a successful TV show, you might be Jeff Foxworthy!”
11. Nick DiPaolo on Jeff Foxworthy: “Jeff’s a born-again Christian, which is no surprise. People always find Jesus after they’ve done something unforgivable, like the Jeff Foxworthy Show.”
10. Nick DiPaolo on Lenny Clarke: “How can you have a coke problem and a weight problem? This is unbelievable. What are you snorting, confectionary sugar?”
9. David Cross on Larry the Cable Guy: “I guess one could say that you’re ‘telling it like it is.’ And considering the vast amount of oversimplification you employ to describe with sweeping generalizations all of America and the world that ‘don’t make no sense to you,’ as well as your lack of sensitivity and second-grade grammar, one might be led to think you are proud of not appearing (or being) too intellectual.”
8. and 7. Greg Giraldo on Larry the Cable Guy: “Your fans aren’t coming ’cause they think you’re funny. They’re coming ’cause they’ve never seen a cable guy. You could have come up with other characters your fans have never seen, like Larry the Dentist, or Larry the Libarian, or Larry the High School Diploma.”
“You say you’ve never done drugs, but watching your success has put me in rehab twice. Thanks for ripping my soul out, you hillbilly fuck!”
6. Amy Schumer on Joe Ross: “You look like Krusty the Clown dressed as Joe Paterno.”
5. Kurt Metzger on a New York venue owner, shading UCB: “[She] doesn’t treat [comics] like young college suckers she plans to fleece out of trust fund money for bullshit Harold lessons. Also, she doesn’t feel entitled to run shitty little power trips on a new comic just because she listened to Amy Poehler queef over a speaker phone once.”
4. Daniel Kinno on Dane Cook: “Got bumped by Dane Cook last night. Watched him spiral for 45 minutes before I left. Could have been worse, he could have done his act.”
3. Industry joke on Denis Leary: “Why is Denis Leary a star while Bill Hicks is unknown? Because there’s no cure for cancer!”
2. Louis C.K. on Denis Leary: “Fuckin’ Leary. Fuckin’ talentless cunt.”
1. Roseanne Barr on Arsenio Hall: “Arsenio is a triangle-headed Eddie Murphy look-alike motherfucker.”