We’ve all had a good, hearty laugh over this idea of cinematic candy purveyor and accomplished public speaker Michael Bay helming a super-serious political thriller about your Fox News-watching great-aunt’s favorite political almost-scandal, Benghazi. But more than 24 hours have passed, and it seems that it isn’t a joke — in fact, thanks to a source deep inside Bay’s production company, Flavorwire has attained a secret memo detailing not only the Benghazi movie, but a whole slate of historical thrillers the director has in the works, in an attempt to drastically remake his image and filmography.
To: Big dogs From: MB Re: New projects
Hey bros, just wanted to jot down some of the shit we talked over on the way to Scores last night about the new flicks. I added in some other stuff I thought up when I went skiing after I got home, check it:
13 Hours
So this is the Benghazi movie, but the more I’m thinking about it, the less I like this title — doesn’t really say what the movie’s all about, know what I mean? (Rob, have the focus group people see how Benghazi, Bitches! tests.) I re-read Alison’s coverage of the book it’s based on; she says it’s mostly just about these six badass security team dudes, so I agree with Cody that we should re-hire the company that did all of our sweet fuckin’ flag-waving second unit shots for the Transformers flicks. I talked to Wahlberg and he’s totally down to play one of the security dudes, which means we can bank some of that sweet Lone Survivor cash; for the rest of the team, I’m thinkin’ we do Willis as the grizzled colonel dude, Taylor Kitsch as the young pretty motherfucker, Adam Scott as the funny one, Tim Olyphant as the moody prick, and Tyrese as the black guy. And Trent is totally right about setting the first half before they go on the mission — otherwise it’s just gonna be a big sausage fest. Girlfriends and wives: Diane Lane for Willis’ wife, and for the younger ones, I dunno, Selena Gomez, Alison Brie, Candice Swanepoel, the girl from the “Blurred Lines” video, and the girl on page 14 of the Spring Vicki’s Secret catalog. New songs by Kanye and Goo Goo Dolls.
Spilling Secrets
Brad, I read (OK, skimmed, who’re we kiddin’ lol) those links you sent me about that Valerie Plame lady, and you’re right, we should totally make that movie next. It does need some spicing up, though. I mean, the spy shit is cool, and I’ve been talking to Kate Upton’s people about doing a movie, and who doesn’t wanna watch her doin’ some Bond Girl shit for two hours, am I right? But this newspaper-editorial angle with her husband is a fuckin’ snooze, man, we gotta turn that dude into some kinda tough badass Vice reporter or something, getting all up in there and mixing it up, I’ll be we could get Ethan Hawke to play that shit. And then I figure we add in five Special Forces guys showing him the ropes in Iraq: maybe Stallone as the grizzled colonel dude, Alex Pettyfyer as the young pretty motherfucker, Dane Cook as the funny one, Gosling as the moody prick, and Chad Boseman as the black guy. Lotta dudes, though; maybe we could add in that Judith Miller reporter, make her over into like a hot Twitter chick, get Irina Shayk or the girl next to Nicki in the “Anaconda” video to play her? New songs by Ariana Grande and Slipknot.
Operation Osama
Brody, I am right there with you on that Zero Dark Thirty flick: I tried to watch that shit last night, it’s slow as fuck with too much blah blah blah. We could make that way better, and make about seven times as much domestic to boot. I think we could get Vanessa Hudgens to play the super-smart CIA chick, and then maybe we get Alba to play that other agent and see if we can get some girl-on-girl action happening? That stuff (along with all the finding Osama’s house, etc.) can take up the first half; last half is the team going in to get Bin Laden. I’m thinking Statham as the grizzled colonel dude, Dylan O’Brien as the young pretty motherfucker, Nick Swardson as the funny one, Nicholas Hoult as the moody prick, and Michael Ealy as the black guy. Girlfriends and wives: Sharon Stone as Statham’s wife, plus Scar-Jo, Cara Delevigne, Rihanna, and the girl on page 26 of the fall Vicki’s Secret catalog. New songs by Iggy Azalea and Maroon 5. Oh, and we should end the movie with them blowing up Osama’s house, that shit’d be off the chain.
Smells Like Bacon
Look, I’m as hesitant as the rest of you about going too far back with these movies, because we all know old shit = boring. (Unless it’s Pearl Harbor, whatup?) But old shit also = Oscars, and this Wikipedia page Tad sent me about this “Bay of Pigs” thing sounds like it could be pretty fuckin’ badass, especially if we can get like a real actor (like that Walter White guy) to play this JFK dude. I figure first half is training montages, White House talky-talk, and meeting the guys doing the invasion, lotsa backyard barbecues and Main Street parades and all that. For the guys, I think maybe we do Clint Eastwood as the grizzled colonel dude, Ansel Elgrort as the young pretty motherfucker, Daniel Tosh as the funny one, Ezra Miller as the moody prick, and Michael B. Jordan as the black guy. Girlfriends and wives: Carla Gugino as Eastwood’s wife, plus Emma Watson, Mila Kunis, Miley Cyrus, and the girl from that catcalling video. New songs by Chris Brown and Nickelback. And I say we end it with a bunch of Transformers rising up outta the ocean and blowing Cuba clean off the fuckin’ map, which will get everybody all pumped up for Transformers 5.