How To Be Inappropriate’s Daniel Nester Presents 90 Different Moons

In Daniel Nester’s book of essays How to Be Inappropriate he tells us about dating a Williamsburg painter who had her feet licked for money; attempting to put a curse on his neighbor for failing to curb his dog; befriending The King of Kong video gamer Todd Rogers. He also provides us with a short cultural history of mooning. Yes, that mooning. We’ve excerpted our favorite bit after the jump. Warning: Thanks to his hilariously inappropriate Periodic Table of Mooning it’s probably NSFW.

Variations of moon/the moon as act/mooning, as defined by the author:
1. Anonymous Moon
2. Backwards Yoga Instructor Moon (see Inadvertent Moon)
3. Banana Split, male handstand with legs spread
4. Beaver Moon, moon with female genitalia somehow exposed (see Rotating Beaver Moon)
5. Bent-Over Moon
6. Black and Blue Moon, bruised moon
7. Blue Moon, a.k.a Sexually Frustrated Moon
8. Cherry Moon, mooning underage children or mooning for the first time
9. Chocolate Moon, mooning followed by defecating on floor, lawn, bottom of pool
10. Cruise Moon, a.k.a. Tom Cruise Moon, mooning with sunglasses atop buttocks
11. Double Hogback Growler, a.k.a. Full Moon with Stick Out,
plus Salad Tuck-Under
12. Downward-Facing Dog Moon, moon with buttocks facing sky while touching ground (see Backwards Yoga Instructor Moon)
13. Dropping Trou, straightforward moon at appropriate distance
14. Erotic Moon, as in: invitation for sex
15. Fire Fart, moon with lighter, usually before lighting fart (see Pyroflatulence)
16. Flip-and-Moon, a.k.a. Chuck a Moon or Throw a Moon or
17. Flashing, with skirt
18. Fried Eggs, a.k.a. Boobs on Glass
19. Fruit Bowl, moon with both penis and testicles visible
20. Fruit Cocktail, a.k.a. Fruit Bowl against Glass, a.k.a. Pressed Ham with male genitals tucked back against glass, with water poured down ham
21. Full Moon on Glass
22. Full Moon Plus Upper Thigh
23. Full Moon, standard
24. Full Moon with Peach Fuzz, a.k.a. Fresh-Shaved Moon
25. Full Moon with Red Eye, one-cheeked
26. Full Moon with Red Eye, on glass
27. Full Moon with Red Eye, two-cheeked
28. Full Moon with Red Eye, two-cheeked on glass, enclosed with flatulence, a.k.a. Dutch Oven
29. Full Moon with Red Eye, two-cheeked, with gapping
30. Full Moon with Steam, partially exposed, a.k.a. One-Cheek Sneak

inappropriate_how-to-moon

31. Full Moon with Stick Out, a.k.a. The Growler
32. Funcooker, The (as used by the Tracy Jordan/Morgan character from the show 30 Rock)
33. Gapping Moon, a.k.a. Red Eye
34. Gobbling Turkey, same as Double Hogback Growler, except with jumping
35. Group Moon, orchestrated (see Annual Mooning of Amtrak in Orange County, CA)
36. Group Moon, semi-orchestrated (see Helicopter Tourists Above Black’s Beach Bares Nudist Community in La Jolla, CA)
37. Group Moon, unorchestrated (see Fire Island)
38. Hanging a BA, a.k.a. Hanging a Bare Ass, term from skateboard culture, possibly meaning a moon while skateboarding
39. Hanging Brains, a handstand in moving car, with mooner’s naked lower half — buttocks, genitals, etc. — sticking out of sunroof
40. Hidden Moon, mooner patiently waits for moonee to stumble upon their moon, instead of popping out all flashy style (see scene in E.T. where E.T. is hiding with the stuffed animals, only picture an ass instead of an alien)
41. Humpback Whale, a.k.a. Free Willy Moon, resurfacing pantsless in pool, lake, or ocean
42. Inadvertent Moon, a.k.a. Accidental Moon
43. Inverted Fruit Cup, mooner’s view as he/she bends over (see Three-Bean Salad)
44. Jailbait Moon, mooning/being mooned under age of 18 (see Cherry Moon)
45. Jump-in-Bed Moon
46. Kissing Moon, up-close moon with intention of getting moonee to kiss mooner’s buttocks; usually a rhetorical or symbolic act with verbal invitation; incarnations among the underaged sometimes include moonee pinned and pressed toward moon, or mooner in squatting position toward moonee’s face
47. Lingering Moon, moon act that lasts too long, perhaps with wish to turn into an Erotic Moon
48. Lunar Eclipse, involves a veiling/unveiling, i.e., either a person or an object (a tree, for example) temporarily obstructs the mooner before mooner appears
49. Man on Moon, a.k.a. Men on Moon, in which young college boys, generally at Big 10–type schools, paint or draw faces on cheeks to serenade prospective dates
50. Moon as Free Speech Statement
51. Moon as Political Statement
52. Moon Battle, a.k.a. Moon Duel, two or more people mooning each other in retaliation to another (see Braveheart battle scene moon)
53. Moon Beside Highway
54. Moon Blossom, moon followed by fart/flatulence
55. Moon Cycle, a.k.a. Lunar Rover, mooning while on bicycles
56. Moon from, and sometimes on, Car Window
57. Moon on Bet
58. Moon on Dare
59. Moon on Windshield (see Pressed Ham)
60. Moon Pun Scenario, a.k.a. Homonym Moon, involves asking prospective moonee a question with a pun on the word moon, then mooning that person; for example, in a Post Office a mooner asks if this is a mooniciple building, then moons; or, pointing to sky, says, “wow, look at the moon,” then drops pants

DanielNesterPeriodicTableofMooning

(click on image to enlarge)

61. Moon Rocks, moon with testicles showing (see Red-Eyed Rooster)
62. Moons of Mars, two people moon at once, imitating the two moons of Mars
63. Moons Over My Hammy®, named after Denny’s breakfast sandwich of the same name6; the threat of mooning on the way back from or en route to a late-night run to a 24-hour Denny’s
64. Nixon Moon, a.k.a. I Am Not a Crook Moon, as seen on The Simpsons, a shaking moon with a rubber nose attached while imitating mannerisms of 37th President of the
United States
65. Painted Wiggler, a.k.a. Smiley Face Moon or Tagged Moon7
66. Pantsless Moon, i.e., streaking
67. Paper Moon, mooning with toilet paper still stuck to self or underwear
68. Partial Moon, a.k.a. Coin Slot or Plumber’s Crack
69. Paternal Moon, a.k.a. Paternalistic Moon, a moon committed with an “I’ll show ya how it’s done” premise or intention
70. Pooning, any variety of legs-apart mooning by a woman
71. Pressed Ham, a.k.a. Ass on Glass
72. Private Moon, a.k.a. Moon Rehearsal or Mirror Check before Mooning in Public (see Self-Moon)
73. Pyroflatulence, moon with sole purpose of lighting farts (see Fire Fart)
74. Red-Eyed Rooster, full moon with cheeks spread with tip of penis visible between legs
75. Rotating Beaver Moon, moon with female genitalia exposed with twirling (see Beaver Moon, Pooning)
76. Seemingly Inadvertent Yet Actually Fashion Statement Thong Moon (see Partial Moon, Inadvertent Moon)
77. Shaking Moon, a.k.a. Shakira Moon
78. Spanking Moon, single hand
79. Spanking Moon, someone else’s hands
80. Spanking Moon, two hands
81. Spotted Moon, mooning with butt acne
82. Submerged Moon, a.k.a. Underwater Moon or Pool Diver’s Surprise
83. Three-Bean Salad
84. Triple Dip Banana Split with Cherry, three men moon from back of convertible with top down, with woman sitting on top of back seat
85. Turtle Head Poker, moon with bit of poop coming out
86. Walking Away While Pulling Down Pants Moon
87. Walking/Running Moon
88. Warding Off Evil Moon, a.k.a. Grotesque/Humoresque Moon, entrance figures depicted in medieval statues exposing buttocks, as well as other body parts, in front of churches in Rodez, France; Verona, Italy; and Tullin, Austria, intended to ward off and mock evil spirits
89. Winkie Brown Eye
90. Woman Moon (see Pooning)

Buy Nester’s book on Amazon or Powell’s.

Copyright © 2009 by Daniel Nester from How to Be Inappropriate.
Reprinted by permission of Counterpoint.