Time to unleash the bees, chew the cockroaches, cut the chitchat, and throw on the jacket that symbolizes your individuality and belief in human freedom: it’s Nicolas Cage’s birthday. It’s hard to know how to properly celebrate the Cage-ster’s 51st, since he means so many things to so many people: peculiar hair, bizarre acting choices, inexplicable project selection (seriously, this filmography is full of low-rent movies you’ve never even heard of). But when we think of Nicolas Cage, we think of him as a master of the non sequitur. Like Christopher Walken before him, Mr. Cage gravitates towards characters who mouth odd, left-field dialogue, rendered all the more befuddling by Cage’s… distinctive line readings. And thus, to mark his 51st year on earth, we’ve selected and ranked our 51 favorite, totally out of context, bonkers bits of Nicolas Cage dialogue. Enjoy — and impressions welcome.
51. (to the question “Just how deep do you want this to go?”) “How deep is hell?” (Rage)
50. “Whomever slays the most men drinks for free.” (Season of the Witch)
49. “You really think I let myself get killed in a garbage truck? Ha! Well I hid in a soup can. Rode it all the way to the city dump. And it was stinky.” (G-Force)
48. “Of course, if there was any real dignity, there wouldn’t be any sex.” (Birdy)
47. “I call it… a hug. Because it rhymes with Grug; but you can always change it if you don’t like it.” (The Croods)
46. “Well, today’s your lucky day, ’cause I brought an eagle.” (The Sorcerer’s Apprentice)
45. “The caves won’t save us! Nothing can!” (Knowing)
44. “I’m gonna steal the Declaration of Independence!” (National Treasure)
43. “Bella bambina at two o’clock!” (Captain Correlli’s Mandolin)
42. “We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter.” (Raising Arizona)
41. “Pink underwear works. Pink underwear works.” (Gone in Sixty Seconds)
40. “I picked two things I really like and put them together. Frankenstein and Cadillacs.” (Next)
39. “You will tell me or I will eat your stinking soul!” (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)
38. “No man has spilled more blood in God’s name than I. A benevolent God would not ask such things of men!” (Season of the Witch)
37. “Bangers and mash. Bubbles and squeak. Smoked eel pie.” (National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
36. “I have an acronym for myself. Know what it is? B.A.D. B.A.D… Balls, Attitude, Direction. You should give yourself an acronym… ’cause it helps you visualize your goals.” (Kiss of Death)
35. “HEY! My mama lives in a trailer!” (Con Air)
34. “I ever hear about you so much as looking at that girl, you’re gonna wish you were born without a dick.” (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans)
33. “I never disrobe before gunplay.” (Drive Angry)
32. “Well, Baby O, it’s not exactly mai-tais and Yahtzee out here — but let’s do it.” (Con Air)
31. “He’s scraping at the door. Scraping at the door! And if you don’t tell what I wanna know, I’m gonna let him out.” (Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance)
30. “Everything I take is prescription — except for the heroin.” (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans)
29. “Those toenails dry yet, sweetheart? We got some dancin’ to do.” (Wild at Heart)
28. “I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.” (Raising Arizona)
27. “I ain’t going back to jail. I’m tired. They didn’t allow me to use silverware. I had to use my fingers. That’s right, they didn’t even allow me to use plastic spoons, forks, and knives! But I do hate the taste of metal in my mouth. That’s why I refused to have braces.” (Kiss of Death)
26. “You’re the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn’t ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That’s right, Alva. It’s a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn’t think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I’ll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.” (Vampire’s Kiss)
25. “I work in a little glass jar and lead a very uneventful life. I drive a Volvo, a beige one. But what I’m dealing with here is one of the most deadly substances the earth has ever known, so what say you cut me some friggin’ slack?” (The Rock)
24. “Kryptoniiiiiite! Go to Robiiiin’s Reveeeeeeeenge!” (Kick-Ass)
23. (In a bear suit) “DON’T BE FRIGHTENED! I’m here to help!” (The Wicker Man)
22. “I don’t believe I’ll be having that beer just now. Not unless I’m drinking it from Jonah King’s skull.” (Drive Angry)
21. “This is fight night and IIIIII aaaaaaaam the kiiiiiiiing!” (Snake Eyes)
20. “BITCHES! YOU BITCHES!” (The Wicker Man)
19. “Man, I had a boner with a capital ‘O.’” (Wild at Heart)
18. “I wanna shake you naked and eat you alive.” (Zandalee)
17. “Y’know, I can eat a peach for hours.” (Face/Off)
16. “How could somebody MISFILE something? What could be easier? It’s all alphabetical. You just PUT it IN the right file! According to ALPHABETICAL ORDER! You know – A, B, C, D, E, F, G!… H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P!… Q, R, S, T, U, V!… W, X, Y, Z! Huh? That’s ALL you have to DO!” (Vampire’s Kiss)
15. “Well, Peter Piper picked a pepper, I guess I did!” (Valley Girl)
14. “I hope you don’t mind: I partook of a few of your groovy painkillers. Oh, bravo. Bra-fucking-vo. Oh God, this is excellent. Bravo!” (Face/Off)
13. “Is this hers? How’d it get burned? How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED, HOW’D IT GET BURNED?” (The Wicker Man)
12. “What are these fuckin’ iguanas doing on my coffee table?” (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans)
11. “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts! / Here they are, standing in a row! / Small ones, big ones, some as big as your head!” (National Treasure: Book of Secrets)
10. “I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire! I’m a vampire!“ (Vampire’s Kiss)
9. “You don’t have a lucky crack pipe?” (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans)
8. “What do you say we cut the CHITCHAT, A-HOLE?” (The Rock)
7. “THIS IS MY MECCA! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!” (Grindhouse)
6. “If I were to send you flowers where would I… no, wait, let me rephrase. If I were to let you suck my tongue, would you be grateful?” (Face/Off)
5. “You mean… my wang?” (Peggy Sue Got Married)
4. “Shoot him again… his soul’s still dancing.” (Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans)
3. “Put… the bunny… back… in the box.” (Con Air)
2. “OH, NO! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAHHHHH! OH, THEY’RE IN MY EYES! MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH! AAAAAGGHHH!” (The Wicker Man)
1. “How, in the name of Zeus’ butthole, did you get out of your cell?” (The Rock)