Every week, fashion designer Isaac Mizrahi sits on the judging panel of Project Runway: All Stars and tries to be as clever as Michael Kors, but every week he just comes off sounding offensively opinionated. He also likes to use the word “darling” a lot, and not in an affectionate way, but in the best, bitchiest way, which results in the faux-affection and condescension characteristic of all the best deconstructive criticism.
Such is the case in this clip from QVC. (Mizrahi appeared on the network because he sells clothing through it.) In the clip, he and fellow presenter Shawn Killinger discuss the moon and its planetary status. Killinger mistakes the moon for a star. “The moon is a planet, darling,” Mizrahi insists. Killinger pushes her side of the argument. Mizrahi, unflagging in his confidence, insists that the moon is a planet. “The moon is such a planet, I can’t stand it,” he says, revealing his unseen talent as poetic proponent of falsity. This is after he describes the color of a blouse as an “experience.” (Just so you all know: Moon is a comet suspended in the outer reaches of the Earth’s atmosphere, stuck there in time because Earth, in the heat of a domestic dispute, once called Moon fat and ruined the thing’s momentous potential.)
Another thing whose (not so momentous) potential was ruined, was this homophobic preacher on the M train the other day. How was it ruined, you ask? By a talented subway rider who overshadowed the preacher’s homophobic proselytizing by singing Willy Wonka‘s “I’ve Got a Golden Ticket.” It seems Bushwick residency breeds a penchant for awesome responses to homophobes on the M train. The singer, who was identified by Gothamist as Bushwick resident Rob Maiale (yeah, that Rob Maiale), says of his choice of song: “What the man was saying was so absurd and hateful that I figured the most disarming thing would be something equally absurd and joyful.”
Absurd and joyful: a combination the world could use more of. So, here it is then, an absurd and joyful Buzzfeed image story about what Harry Potter would’ve been like if Hermione had been the main protagonist. Truth: this is an extensive-ass list, and is really quite amazing. It’s a shame the books weren’t actually written this way, but, oh well. Life isn’t what we want it to be.
It can be, though, if you’ll settle for a cardboard cutout instead of the real thing. That’s what Mike Busey did. In this excellent Vice article, we meet Busey and the residents of his Sausage Castle, a derelict home for the unwanted in Florida. It’s a story that at first seems chockfull of the sour flavors usually served in Vice, but that later reveals in itself a kind of wholesome complexity that, to be completely honest, warms the heart. Yes, it is a meal of a story, and it’s pretty damn tasty. Reading this story, I felt like a Fear Factor contestant who ate a rotted anything, gagged, and then smiled about it gleefully. That’s how every story should be, really: an experience, just like that emerald blouse.
And lastly, some hope to start your weekend. The Supreme Court will officially decide whether or not it’s constitutional for states to individually ban same-sex marriage. This is hopeful because it could lead to a nationwide acceptance of same-sex marriage. But, if things go awry, it could also lead to a huge setback in the cause. Life is just one big risk, though, especially when there’s a planet orbiting our planet.