The Demise of Blink-182: A Gchat Play in Five Acts

Millennials everywhere are in mourning, bless them, because Blink-182 have officially parted way with singer Tom DeLonge (although apparently that’s news to him). The band have been famously dysfunctional for years, and as such it’s not surprising that the communication around their apparent break-up has been lacking. Perhaps the most notable detail to emerge was that Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker haven’t spoken to DeLonge in months, preferring to communicate digitally. Their medium of choice was email, but really, it could and should have been Gchat — because then we wouldn’t have had to write these transcripts for them.

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me: dude
Sent at 12:09 PM on Tuesday

me: dude
Sent at 2:41 PM on Tuesday

Tom DeLonge’s new status message: Away

me: dude
Sent at 4:03 PM on Tuesday

me: dude
me: i got something to tell u
u will like it
Tom: you read the Nietzsche book I gave you?
me: no
Tom: you got a bassline down for that 5/4 demo track I sent you last week?
me: no
Tom: you’ve given further thought to my concept for a trilogy of albums?
me: no
Tom: well what then
me: i did green poop this morning

Tom is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Tom comes online.

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me: bro
Travis: bro
me: have u talked to tom lately
Travis: no bro
me: i tried to tell him about my idea for that song
“Green Poop”
Travis: oh lol
me: idk bro he didnt like it
Travis: lol why not
me: idk bro
at least he didnt talk about Neetsche again

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me: whoa man thank you so much for adding me
Bono: You’re very welcome, Tim. I’ve not used this interface before but I am excited to try new things.
me: it’s Tom
Bono: Tom.
me: like… whoa
Sent at 11:13PM on Wednesday

me: Well anyway
i just wanted to ask ur advice man
Mark and Travis are just like bumming me out of late
Bono: You have not had these tendencies before?
me: wait what
Bono: God does not judge you… God is LOVE.
me: uhhhhhhhhh
um no like i mean i’m not getting along with the band
Bono: Oh.
me: and idk what to do.
Bono: “idk”?
me: um oh i don’t know
Bono: You don’t know?
me: no like
oh man
this is not going well
Bono: LOL.
me: lol
Bono: Exactly.
me: ok look the thing is i don’t really want to do Blink anymore. i have other projects i’m really excited about
Bono: Tell me about them.
me: oh wow lol ok sure
well i have this idea for a trilogy of albums based around a conceptual sci-fi space opera
and also a film that’s made from the perspective of the space pilot
as he cycles around a dying star that symbolizes our relationship w religion
i mean
i know you’re a Christian but
Bono: Wait, I’m confused.
me: why?
Bono: Don’t you sing about your penis a lot?
me: well that’s the thing i used to
but i don’t want to any more
Bono: God gave us all a special talent, Tim.
me: it’s tom
Bono: Yours is singing about your penis. That’s what your fans love. Own your penis.
me: um this is getting weird man
Bono: Wave it proudly.
me: uhhhhhh brb
Bono: “Brb”?

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Tom: hey
me: DUDE
what up
Tom: Look I’ve been thinking about it
and if I do the tour
we can’t sing any weiner songs
me: oh come on man
Tom: I’m serious
me: but like dude thats all the songs
Tom: We’ll do the serious ones
me: but like cmon
all the small things
Tom: No.
me: dick lips
Tom: No.
me: the blow job song
Tom: No.
me: whats my age again?
Tom: you’re 42, Mark. FORTY-TWO years old. In eight years you’ll be 50
me: no like the song
c’mon man
at least that one
Tom: No.
me: fuck a dog
Tom: See? This is what always happens. I try to be serious, and you tell me to fuck a dog.
me: no the song
Tom: Oh, OK. I’m sorry. Maybe that one.
me: noooooooo jk i did mean fuck a dog loolllllll
Sent at 6:41 PM on Sunday.

me: dude
Sent at 7:03 PM on Sunday.

me: dude cmon
Sent at 7:27 PM on Sunday.

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Several months later…

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Mark: bro
me: broooooooo
Mark: i been thinking
me: lol
that shit is hard
i havent done that since 1997
Mark: srsly
but like
idk man
i think the blink legacy should be the most important thing
me: right on
Mark: like
Neetsche never wrote about his dick and who even cares about him apart from tom
me: lol
Mark: so idk man i think we gotta do it
we gotta get a new singer
someone whos on our wavelength
me: like who tho
Mark: what about the guy from wheatus
me: hmmmm idk hes too NY
Mark: the alien ant farm guy
me: hed wanna do that Michael Jackson song tho
and that shit is hella gay
Mark: the new found glory guy
me: isnt that the same as the alien ant farm guy
Mark: idk
me: what if we like got a dog
and pretended to fuck the dog
Mark: idk that might be too high concept
me: wait
what about green day guy
Mark: no they got famous
me: no shit
Mark: yeah man idk
me: wait
i got it
that dude from LIVE
Mark: omg
does he still have that pony tail
me: idk we will make him grow it
Mark: yessssssssssss
me: does he fuck dogs
me: are you gonna tell Tom or will i
Mark: idk lets just put out a press release saying he quit
me: what could possibly go wrong