You’re a hip, sophisticated young movie-goer who has recently seen an ad asking if you’re “curious” about Fifty Shades of Grey. You are. So now you’re heeding the call — but only, you swear, ironically. Naturally, then, you’re considering smuggling your favorite white wine (or maybe something stronger) into your Valentine’s weekend viewing.
Flavorwire does not encourage disobeying the rules of any local movie theater, nor being excessive with your alcohol consumption. Yet if you are either literally or metaphorically going to sip your way through the experience, here is our helpful drinking game. It doubles as a guide to tropes and images in the two-hour-long (two hours!) film, and includes a few helpful reminders that this is a movie based on a book that is based on Twilight.
Be responsible and take it slow. As with its literary source material, there are lots of repeating motifs in this film.
LEVEL ONE: SIPS
Wide shot of obviously phallic building in Seattle. Take a sip. Extra sip if Anastasia is looking up at that building with her mouth hanging open.
Anastasia puts a pencil or pen or other long object close to her lips. Take a sip. Extra sip if the pencil says “Grey.”
Anastasia bites her lips. This happens every six seconds or so for two hours, so hold off from sipping anywhere near this one unless you’re prepared for the consequences.
“Laters, baby.” Sip.
Lingering shot of a seatbelt, scarf, wrapped gift, or anything else that suggests bondage. Sip.
Some sort of elevator scene. Sip.
Christian sits alone at night, sadly playing the piano. Sip.
Christian says, “That’s not what I do” or “I don’t make love” or “I don’t do romance” or any variation thereof. Mutter “that’s BS” to yourself and then sip.
Christian is wearing tight jeans without a shirt, while Anastasia is fully naked. Repeat the above muttering, and sip.
Lingering shot of a belly button. Sip.
“My playroom.” Sip.
Anastasia’s eyes are covered by a hand, mask or improvised blindfold. Sip.
The camera zooms in on Anastasia’s lace panties. Sip.
Full-body nude shot of Anastasia, filmed in perfect profile. Sip.
Christian shows up without warning somewhere Anastasia is hanging out. He is able to do this even though he was recently quite far away, because he’s a vamp — uhh, because he’s really rich? Sip.
Anastasia murmurs contentedly in her sleep. Aww, I guess? Sip.
Christian asks Anastasia, “Have you thought more about the contract yet?” Chillax, dude. Sip.
Christian demands that Anastasia eat more to keep up her strength. Sip. Take a second sip if he takes a bite of her sandwich. Try not to choke.
LEVEL 2: SHOTS
Cunnilingus is implied but not explicitly performed. Shake your head. Take a shot.
Female orgasm is implied but not explicitly denoted. Shake your fist. Shot.
Conspicuous consumption of vehicles is used to symbolize power and attractiveness. Yawn. Shot.
Alternative bedroom practices are implied to be the result of psychological damage rather than sexual preference. Sex-positive feminist hall of shame, E.L. James. Shot.
There is a perfect, perfect opportunity for Anastasia to say: “I know what you are,” and Christian to say, “Say it! Out loud. Say it!” and Anastasia to say, “Vampire.” Shot. Be warned: this occurs more than you’d expect.
There is a perfect opportunity for Christian to say, “I feel very… protective of you.” Do not drink. This is basically the whole movie.
You find yourself depressingly unaroused during an S&M sex scene. Double-shot.
You actually wish Edward Cullen would show up and his skin would sparkle at this point, because you’re getting so bored and that would be less boring. Double-shot.
You decide to check whether Secretary or Dirty Dancing is available on a streaming service when you get home. Shot. Rent the movie.