25 Outrageously Funny Quotes from ‘Strangers With Candy’s’ Jerri Blank

The opening credits of former Comedy Central’s series Strangers With Candy immediately sets the tone for the show. In a voiceover monologue, we hear Amy Sedaris’ Jerri Blank describe her unusual situation as a 46-year-old ex-drug addict who did time and has since returned to high school. As critic Maryann Johanson wrote of the show: “It’s all the awful nightmare of high school shrink-wrapped and served back to us piping hot with snark and dripping with a secret sauce of extreme warpedness.” While Jerri behaved badly at Flatpoint High, poking fun at some seriously sensitive subjects, she also encouraged her fellow students to steer clear of her former lifestyle — in her own special way. Author and cupcake lover Amy Sedaris brought Blank’s bizarre character to life. On the weekend of Sedaris’ birthday, here are some of Jerri Blank’s most outrageous quotes and tips on life that you absolutely should not heed — or maybe you should, and we’ve just been doing it wrong this entire time.

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“You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.”

“Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn’t interfere with your having sex.”

I like the pole and the hole, and right now I’m as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don’t you come over to my crib after school, and I’ll make your pinky aaaall stinky.

“Florida. Beautiful weather — harsh penal system.”

“If you’re gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.”