Johnny Depp Isn’t Always the Sexiest Man Alive

Earlier today People Magazine named Johnny Depp 2009’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” He already won the title back in 2003, placing him in the company of other choice double-winners: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Richard Gere. Yeah, we’re confused by that last one, too. While we enjoy Johnny Depp as much as the next blog, we thought this might be a fun excuse to look at some of his least sexy roles. Join us, will you?

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street, Glen Lantz

There’s nothing sexy about a boy in a belly tee. Or getting killed, for that matter.

2. Cry-Baby, Wade “Cry-Baby” Walker

He might be the happiest juvenile delinquent in Baltimore, but no one wants to date a guy who’s known as the Big Boo-hoo.

3. Don Juan DeMarco, Don Juan

We know that Don Juan is allegedly the greatest lover in the world, but we feel nothing but violated by this scene. Perhaps it’s the sensuality of this line: “Have you ever loved a woman until milk leaked from her as though she had just given birth to love itself, and now must feed it or burst?”

4. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Raoul Duke

On our short list of non-sexy things: tinted sunglasses, lizard orgies, and people who throw grapefruits.

5. Secret Window, Mort Rainey

Because this is possibly the worst Johnny Depp movie we’ve ever seen — The Astronaut’s Wife included. Also, “You stole my story.”