12. Jeff Goldblum: OK, yes, Jeff Goldblum is attractive and looks damn good in black and white, but let’s be honest: He’s a little too confident for my tastes. Who likes a man who’s secure with himself?
11. Nick DiPaolo: There’s definitely something to be said about the attractiveness of assholes — and DiPaolo certainly gets deplorable in this episode. But his whole heartfelt breakdown? Pass.
10. Vincent Kartheiser: On the one hand, the glasses serve him well, but on the other hand, I think we’ve gotten so used to his receding hairline on Mad Men that his entirely different appearance here is just jarring.
9. Henry Zebowski: It doesn’t matter how physically attractive you are; if you add a fedora and an undying love for Maroon 5, it’s over.
8. Kumail Nanjiani: Nanjiani is surely one of the hottest comedians out there (physically and otherwise), but thinking Jenny is a funnier McCarthy than Melissa? Come on, man.
7. Chris Beetem: Extra points for vehemently sticking up for Natalie on The Facts of Life.
6. Paul Giamatti: Despite all of his histrionics and inventive insults, we were willing to give Giamiatti the benefit of the doubt. But: “Women don’t need orgasms — it’s science!” is a definite deal breaker.
5 and 4. Kevin Kane and Adrian Martinez: These two guys remained on the quiet side for much of the episode, which is exactly how we like our men.
3. Chris Gethard: Although, yes, we would shatter him in half.
2. George Riddle: “We were all hairy and sweaty and we screwed all the time. It wasn’t so bad.”
1. John Hawkes: Not only is there something inherently attractive about John Hawkes, but you gotta love a man who’s comfortable waving his dildo around a crowded jury room.