‘Inside Amy Schumer’s’ 12 Angry Men, Ranked

Every episode of Inside Amy Schumer deserves to be talked about, but there’s always one segment that rises above the rest and necessitates a little extra conversation. In lieu of recapping full episodes, we’re here to help you with water-cooler conversation by letting you know which sketch was an absolute must-watch.

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The problem, which is definitely not a quality problem, is that “12 Angry Men Inside Amy Schumer” is only one, episode-long sketch. It is absolutely sublime, one of the most ambitious and powerful things Schumer (or any sketch show) has ever done, and she’s barely even in the episode. In this parody of 12 Angry Men, an all-male jury is tasked with deciding whether Schumer is hot enough to be on television. The result is gut-bustingly funny and smart (plus, it should be mentioned, very well directed; Schumer co-directs) and leaves a lasting impression. It remarks on the way that famous women routinely have their looks picked apart and scrutinized (Schumer herself, in an article too vile to link to, was deemed not hot enough to star in her upcoming movie Trainwreck), and how big men in suits get to decide the attractiveness of a woman. So, in keeping with the theme, we’re ranking the episode’s super-talented, star-studded jury based on their hotness. I mean, why not?

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 8.56.49 AM12. Jeff Goldblum: OK, yes, Jeff Goldblum is attractive and looks damn good in black and white, but let’s be honest: He’s a little too confident for my tastes. Who likes a man who’s secure with himself?

11. Nick DiPaolo: There’s definitely something to be said about the attractiveness of assholes — and DiPaolo certainly gets deplorable in this episode. But his whole heartfelt breakdown? Pass.

10. Vincent Kartheiser: On the one hand, the glasses serve him well, but on the other hand, I think we’ve gotten so used to his receding hairline on Mad Men that his entirely different appearance here is just jarring.

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 9.22.15 AM9. Henry Zebowski: It doesn’t matter how physically attractive you are; if you add a fedora and an undying love for Maroon 5, it’s over.

8. Kumail Nanjiani: Nanjiani is surely one of the hottest comedians out there (physically and otherwise), but thinking Jenny is a funnier McCarthy than Melissa? Come on, man.

7. Chris Beetem: Extra points for vehemently sticking up for Natalie on The Facts of Life.

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 8.57.38 AM6. Paul Giamatti: Despite all of his histrionics and inventive insults, we were willing to give Giamiatti the benefit of the doubt. But: “Women don’t need orgasms — it’s science!” is a definite deal breaker.

5 and 4. Kevin Kane and Adrian Martinez: These two guys remained on the quiet side for much of the episode, which is exactly how we like our men.

3. Chris Gethard: Although, yes, we would shatter him in half.

2. George Riddle: “We were all hairy and sweaty and we screwed all the time. It wasn’t so bad.”

Screen Shot 2015-05-06 at 9.22.31 AM1. John Hawkes: Not only is there something inherently attractive about John Hawkes, but you gotta love a man who’s comfortable waving his dildo around a crowded jury room.