“But, Conan, if you slept with four of the six Avengers, no matter how much fun you had, you’d be a slut… I’d be a slut.” — Jeremy Renner to Conan O’Brien, May 2015.
Jeremy Renner is working hard to advance an equal-opportunity definition of the loaded term “slut.” He even thinks that he’d count as a slut if he fictionally slept with fictional characters. So to honor his valiant crusade, and prove that he wasn’t singling out Black Widow because of gender or objectification or anything mean like that, we’re taking a look at the biggest sluts in action movie history, regardless of gender.
Starlord from Guardians of the Galaxy
This guy is a particularly noxious kind of tramp. He woos you with his innocent mixtape of old-school pop music (which reminds him of his mommy), and the next thing you know you’re ensnared in bed — and his web of intergalactic crime. And then he forgets you’re even on his spaceship because he’s so besotted with the next cute thing to come around, just because she’s got green skin.
Starlord should reform his ways. His virtue is worth more than this! Just ask his friend, the raccoon-human hybrid bounty hunter.
Indiana Jones
Your classic “loose man” character. The guy ditches his marriage and has over a dozen love interests, in different eras and places around the entire globe, including the estranged mother of his child — yet does he have any qualms continuing to flirt with the new ladies he encounters on his “quests” and “adventures”? No, he does not.
Indy may need to raid his lost self-respect, for goodness’ sake. If every woman you meet gets a piece of your Holy Grail, people may stop taking you seriously as a man!
Bond. James Bond.
Lives, and lets you die. This paragon of promiscuity, this tramp of the century, is a literal lady-killer. If you don’t get offed by a sinister international villain after ending up in his bed, you will probably get struck down by some sort of horrible venereal disease. Ladies, stay away.
One of these days, his reputation in spy circles is going to end up being shaken, not stirred.
Captain James Kirk
The brave but troubled Captain of the Starship Enterprise is also something of a known trollop — bar fights, fisticuffs, and cadets and aliens in his bed at all hours of the day.
Kirk could use a little more Vulcan in him, but chances are greater that he’s in a Vulcan, if you know what I mean. He will not live long or prosper if he keeps this up.
Tony Stark
Dude thinks of himself as a player, but it’s his worth as a man that gets played by questionable morals — when he refuses to stop cheapening his billionaire self with lady after lady.
Tony, imagine how you’d feel if every superhero in the Avengers wore your Iron Man suit, and then finally handed it back to you all hulksmashed and hammered by Thor. You wouldn’t want to wear it, would you, you floozy? That’s how decent young women like Pepper Pots are going to think about your sexual worth if you keep acting in this wanton manner.
Bruce Wayne
More of a tease than a slut, Batman’s alter ego Wayne lets women fall all over him during the day, just to keep up his playboy image — so he can be an angry, serious, crime-fighter late at night.
The more he leads girls on, the more Bruce makes himself seem available, the worse it looks. Heaven forbid one of his dates is just so confused by his mixed messages she tries to take advantage of him!
Han Solo
Okay, we have no direct evidence that Solo’s a ho, but c’mon, just look at the way he carries himself. He’s a guy who has clearly been around the galaxy in hyperspace quite a few times, at quite a few parsecs.
We’re sure the denizens of the Mos Eisley Cantina would have some tales to tell. A total slut Han was, and even if reformed him Leia has, we hope she makes him give the upholstery in the Millennium Falcon a good and thorough cleaning before she moves in.