Whether you’re getting (foolishly) wasted at the office holiday party or duking it out in a department store, Christmas music is utterly inescapable this time of year — and has been for at least the last month. Running the gamut from cheesy to classic, the genre spreads more simultaneous joy and seasonal depression than any other. Still, with lows that are so low, do oldies stations really need to devote all that air time to the same fifty songs?
After the jump, our thoughts and the accompanying audio for some of the world’s most adored and apocryphal holiday tunes. Got other ideas? Leave them in the comments.
NAUGHTY
1. Celine Dion, “Feliz Navidad“
The mom-adored crooner and famous Quebequer’s version of “Feliz Navidad,” complete with smooth-jazz bass and electric piano, is more than just a stinker; it’s culturally insensitive.
2. ‘N Sync, “Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire“
We’ll abide a **** in a box, but keep your chestnuts in your pants, boys.
3. The Chipmunks, “The Christmas Song“
At first, these muu muu-wearing chipmunks are adorable, but before you know it, their proto-pitched tuning is an ache in the acorns. Plus, we prefer our Alvin tempered with a little bit of Akon.
4. Avril Lavigne, “O Holy Night“
She might cozy up to the Mohawk, but she sings with the heart of an Aztec… sent to sacrifice.
5. Kenny Chesney, “All I Want for Christmas is a Real Good Tan“
There’s a reason Renee Zellweger started going to the Bahamas on her own.
NICE
1. Vince Guaraldi’s, A Charlie Brown Christmas
This album is an FDA-licensed stress-reliever.
2. Various Artists, A Motown Christmas
His double LP from 1973 has Smokey Robinson, the Jackson 5, Stevie Wonder, and the rest of the gang getting seriously soulful.
3. Otis Redding, “Merry Christmas, Baby“
This cover brings more holiday joy in 2 minutes and 30 seconds than big ol’ Burl Ives does in an hour.
4. Low, Christmas (EP)
One of the band’s most peaceful performances (and that’s saying something).
5. Sufjan Stevens, Songs For Christmas
Forty-two holiday-themed tracks that are 100 percent appropriate to listen to year round.
