Unless you’ve been off the Internet all day (in which case, good for you), you will have heard that Lenny Kravitz’s leather pants split open on stage in Stockholm last night, giving the front row a good old look at the Kravitz family jewels.
This would probably have passed without further comment if someone hadn’t happened to have been taking an Instagram pic at exactly that moment. But this is 2015, and as luck would have it, someone was taking an Instagram pic at exactly that moment. As a result, the entire Internet has now seen Lenny Kravitz’s dick, largely because every remotely entertainment-related outlet you can think of has published it — who could spurn such sweet pageview gold?
Here at Flavorwire, we’re classier than that — and honestly, if this had been a woman whose genitals had been splashed all over the Internet, everyone would be outraged, and rightly so. But this shouldn’t cost us those Kravitz-y clicks, should it? Happily, we have a cunning plan: here are the headlines everyone else has run about this subeditor’s dream situation, ranked from worst to best.
Complex: Lenny Kravitz Exposed His Penis After His Leather Pants Ripped Open Onstage Well, he didn’t exactly choose to do so, did he, Complex? This makes it sound like his pants ripped and then, some unspecified amount of time later, he spontaneously decided to unveil his piece to the audience.
The Evening Standard: Lenny Kravitz accidentally exposes himself on stage after leather trousers rip Similar. Sentence construction is important, kids.
Gigwise: Lenny Kravitz Suffers “Wardrobe Malfunction” No, no, no. That phrase was tired ten years ago. Also, the subhead is “Can anyone think of a good Kravitz penis pun?” — no, Gigwise subeditor, that’s your job.
Hollywood News Daily: Lenny Kravitz Has The Worst Wardrobe Malfunction Of All Time! See above.
E! Online: Lenny Kravitz Splits His Pants and Flashes Penis During Stockholm Concert! See the NSFW Pics Unwieldy, and clearly the victim of an editorial edict that every headline needs a “call to action.”
UPROXX: Lenny Kravitz Split His Pants While Performing, Revealing A Very NSFW Surprise I mean, “man has penis”: it’s not exactly a surprise, is it?
The Daily Mail: Lenny lets rip! Kravitz proves he goes commando when his leather trousers split WIDE open over his crotch during energetic gig in Sweden So many words.
Noisey: Lenny Kravitz’s Pants Ripped On Stage and His Dong Popped Out “Dong”? What are we, 12?
The Huffington Post: Lenny Kravitz’s Leather Pants Split On Stage, Exposing Genitalia Even worse than “dong,” though: “genitalia.”
Globalnews.ca: Lenny Kravitz rips pants, fans go nuts *rimshot*
Billboard: So… Lenny Kravitz’s Penis Popped Out On Stage in Sweden The subhead is, “Seems like he’s taking ‘rock out with your cock out’ rather literally these days,” which goes to show that a joke is ruined if you have to explain it.
Death and Taxes: Lenny Kravitz tore his pants on stage and his dick came out Matter-of-fact. Yes, he did. And yes, it did. Bonus points for the image of his dick emerging cautiously like a small animal from a cave, poking its head out into the big scary world to say, “Hello.”
TMZ: LENNY KRAVITZ EXPOSES JUNK Leather Pants FAIL!!! TMZ: never ones for self-restraint.
Digital Spy: Lenny Kravitz rocks out with his c**k out after onstage trouser split Correct choice of cliché, rather spoiled by the self-censorship.
The Local, Sweden: Lenny Kravitz lets it rip on stage in Sweden Subtle pun, understated allusion to what actually happened. Classy.
Gawker: Lenny Kravitz Shredded So Hard His Dick Fell Out On Stage And finally, Gawker, who if nothing else are always good for a punchy headline. This is exactly what every other outlet wanted to say.