TV Recap: 10 GOP Bachelors Compete for the Love of Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton must be the most desirable woman in DC. Last night, on the premiere of the summer’s biggest reality TV event series, GOP Debates: Who Will Go on a Date With Hillary?, America watched ten slimy misogynists enter the FOX News Debate House for the very first time —  all so they could vie for a mere chance at her love. You could practically hear all the viewers sighing, wishing they had ten such specimens paying court to them. I mean, it’s like Edward vs. Jacob redux, except this time with actual monsters!

“Hillary Clinton,” “Hillary Clinton,” “Clinton,” “Hillary” —  the name of their beloved echoed over and over throughout the two hours (dear God, two hours!) of the premiere, which mostly served the purpose of allowing each bachelor type to establish his character arc for the rest of the season. How romantic! This slate of dudes all must have read up on “The Game,” because the negging was really on the next level, all night long. I don’t know how Hillary stood it; if that many jerks were insulting me for two hours, I’d be totally confused as to which one to wantonly throw myself at, the very minute it was over. And she has to wait until next November, poor woman.

Another super-sweet theme I noticed last night? The naked envy they all displayed for her ex, Obama. Don’t tell me men don’t have feelings! They totally care. Poor Chris Christie had to defend the fact that he hugged the guy once, after a massive hurricane (“Hurricane Christie Administration,” as the National Weather Service called it) left his entire state in ruins. The heart wants what the heart wants, Governor Christie seemed to imply. And his heart wants, just like, so many hugs, even if they are from his erstwhile love-rival.

If Christie was clearly chosen by the casting directors for the “sensitive dude” role on the show, the “bad boy” of the premiere was obvs reality TV veteran Donald Trump, who reminded me not a little bit of Paul Rudd as Andy on Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, except orange and toupee-clad and not charming at all. The DGAF Donald himself was brash, he was rude, he admitted to trying to bribe public officials, and he particularly knew how to get right into a woman’s good graces — by grossly insulting other women! Swoon! From the outspoken Rosie O’Donnell to the stunning Megyn Kelly, no lady escaped his trite and obvious insults. What a stud. I hope we all had our pocket fans handy.

OK, I do have to admit, there was a little bit of sadness beneath that tough facade when Trump spoke of having to pay Hillary to come to his wedding. Some really mean chatter on the Internet has implied that Clinton was not the only one who showed up at the wedding venue that day 100% because of Trump’s money (coughcoughcough the bride! whattt!). Poor The Donald. Someone needs to soothe those hidden wounds. Could that someone be Hillary Rodham Clinton? Is it destiny?

So what about the other guys, you ask? They all fell somewhere in between super-soft Christie and super-tough Trump. Let’s go through the roster and see what we’re in for this season.

Rand Paul was really big on this whole “Constitution” thing, and yelled about protecting people from wiretapping, so I think he’s going to be the unpredictable hothead of the house, and you know what that means: Fight! Fight! Fight! I cannot wait until he gets into a slap-fight with Chris Christie around Episode 6 or 7, which is for sure in the cards. Mike Huckabee was trying to be the chivalrous one, promising to protect our fair, virginal tax system from exploitations by “illegals,” prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers, frabjous bandersnatches, orcs, dementors, uruk-hai, skeletors, muttations and other deviants. What an adorable white knight, no accidental KKK references intended, I swear. Scott Walker reminded me of that guy who seems creepy at the beginning of the movie but keeps staring at you and asking you out, and then wears you down and wears you down until you finally go on a date — only to discover that when he talks about human embryos, he does this really cute thing where he cups his hands like he’s holding an embryo. Heart. Melt.

Actually, I think that embryo move was Walker’s play for sensitive-guy status, but he couldn’t compete with Chris “Hugs And 9/11” Christie for that role in the show, and Ted Cruz was even more into the abortion part of the show than he was. In fact, now that I think about it, all of them really got going on abortion, and they talked about it forever without using the word “woman” once. You know, that strikes me as a mood-killer, but they were all doing it, so it must be a super-effective aphrodisiac. (What do I know, I’m just a silly lady and my opinion clearly has no relevance to this topic!)

Hm, who else? Ben Carson was “The Quirky One” with his talk about doctor stuff and being smart or whatever.  He also talked about the G-word and church, which was a relief because if he hadn’t, he might have seemed like too much of a nerd for this rowdy Fox News house (or is it FRAT NEWS house?!). I hope they keep him around for a while this season.

Jeb! Bush said he was sick of DC politicians (like, um, his brother and his dad much?) and divisive rhetoric which makes me think Jeb! is going to be the James Dean “Rebel Without A Cause” character this season. I wouldn’t be surprised if he shows up on Episode 2 wearing a leather jacket. Cannot. Wait. 

My biggest disappointment of the night? No excessive drinking from Marco Rubio! Who is gonna be the party animal this season? If someone doesn’t fill this role soon, the show may well turn into a snoozefest. Wait, could it be that the biggest party animal in this whole group is the object of their affection, Hillary Clinton herself? ‘Cause it turns out she was out getting down with another reality TV star even as the premiere aired. Girl, you are bad. But don’t worry. I bet if they insult her even more during Episode 2, she’ll tune in.

Jon Kasich was also on the show.