Adele — 25 Suburbanites who buy one CD a year and have no use for The Spotify.
Father John Misty — I Love You, Honeybear Sex-positive indie dudes who will “sensitively” dry-hump you from behind at a show.
Mac DeMarco — Another One Sex-positive bros who will insensitively dry-hump you on the subway.
Justin Bieber — Purpose Quietly avowed poptimists.
Carly Rae Jepsen — E*MO*TION Loudly avowed poptimists.
Ryan Adams — 1989 People who have spent years trying to train themselves to be avowed poptimists.
D’Angelo and the Vanguard — Black Messiah Music journalists who made their best-of-2014 lists too early.
The Weeknd — Beauty Behind the Madness Condo residents who boast that the awful coke they overpaid for is “the shit,” but won’t share.
SOPHIE — Product Art-school kids who overuse the word “conceptual.”
Alex G — Beach Music Introverted dudes with surprisingly strong Tinder games.
Earl Sweatshirt — I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go Outside Sullen types who neither like shit nor go outside.
Jamie xx — In Colour People who would have bought Portishead’s Dummy 20 years ago for its dinner-party potential.
Joanna Newsom — Divers Perpetual gifted children.
Grimes — Art Angels People who really enjoyed 2012.
Neon Indian — VEGA INTL. Night School People who really enjoyed 2010.
Courtney Barnett — Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit People who do their dishes once a month.
Lana Del Rey — Honeymoon Benzo enthusiasts.
Muse — Drones People who still think that 1984 best describes the impending tech dystopia.
Future — DS2 Doctor shoppers.
Beach House — Depression Cherry People who loved Bloom.
Beach House — Thank Your Lucky Stars People who loved Devotion.
Vince Staples — Summertime ‘06 Veteran hip-hop heads who are enjoying the renaissance of “real rap” immensely.
Tame Impala — Currents People who pretend not to like the Grateful Dead.
Sufjan Stevens — Carrie & Lowell People whose empathy with this album runs so deep that you’re kinda scared to ask why.
Destroyer — Poison Season Dudes who look and act like the guy from Inside Llewyn Davis.
Chvrches — Every Open Eye People who recently disposed of a sizable stash of Mast Brothers chocolate.
Sleater-Kinney — No Cities to Love Older millennials whose escape plan involves the Pacific Northwest.
Björk — Vulnicura People whose breakups can be described as “dramatic.”
Drake — If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late People who describe their own breakups as “dramatic.”
Kelela — Hallucinogen People who use the word “thirsty” a lot, though never in reference to beverages.
Miguel — Wildheart People about whom the word “thirsty” is used a lot, though never in reference to beverages.
Arca — Mutant People who frequently quote album reviews aloud and ace their queer theory classes.
Oneohtrix Point Never — Garden of Delete People who frequently quote album reviews and rarely leave the house.
Blur — The Magic Whip Middle-aged denim jacket wearers who can’t believe Britpop was 20 years ago already.
Shamir — Ratchet Kids who are always out till sunrise but are somehow still fine for work a few hours later.
Bob Dylan — Shadows in the Night Long-time subscribers outraged that this only landed at #49 on Rolling Stone’s best of 2015 list.
Joey Bada$$ — B4.da.$$ Nas fans.
Miley Cyrus – Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz Wayne Coyne.
Fetty Wap — Fetty Wap Martin Shkreli.
Various Artists — Hamilton: Original Broadway Soundtrack Upper West Side progressives who feel guilty about not actually liking the Kendrick album.
Jenny Hval — Apocalypse, girl Members of multiple reading groups (don’t called them “book clubs”).
Holly Herndon — Platform Media studies majors who own several books by Douglas Rushkoff.
Julia Holter — Have You In My Wilderness Someone you thought was cool at high school but never knew that well because she spent all her time in the music department.
Kendrick Lamar — To Pimp a Butterfly Non-contrarians with ears.