It’s that most wonderful time of the year, when the fires are lit and the eggnog is out — and we get to break out our highly scientific Stereotyping™ method and apply it to the year’s most prominent records. Here is what your favorite album of 2015 says about you, according to said method. As ever, it’s all in fun, meant to be taken lightheartedly, and our stereotypes are there too.
Adele — 25
Suburbanites who buy one CD a year and have no use for The Spotify.
Father John Misty — I Love You, Honeybear
Sex-positive indie dudes who will “sensitively” dry-hump you from behind at a show.
Mac DeMarco — Another One
Sex-positive bros who will insensitively dry-hump you on the subway.
Justin Bieber — Purpose
Quietly avowed poptimists.
Carly Rae Jepsen — E*MO*TION
Loudly avowed poptimists.
Ryan Adams — 1989
People who have spent years trying to train themselves to be avowed poptimists.
D’Angelo and the Vanguard — Black Messiah
Music journalists who made their best-of-2014 lists too early.
The Weeknd — Beauty Behind the Madness
Condo residents who boast that the awful coke they overpaid for is “the shit,” but won’t share.
SOPHIE — Product
Art-school kids who overuse the word “conceptual.”
Alex G — Beach Music
Introverted dudes with surprisingly strong Tinder games.
Earl Sweatshirt — I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go Outside
Sullen types who neither like shit nor go outside.
Jamie xx — In Colour
People who would have bought Portishead’s Dummy 20 years ago for its dinner-party potential.
Joanna Newsom — Divers
Perpetual gifted children.
Grimes — Art Angels
People who really enjoyed 2012.
Neon Indian — VEGA INTL. Night School
People who really enjoyed 2010.
Courtney Barnett — Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I Just Sit
People who do their dishes once a month.
Lana Del Rey — Honeymoon
Muse — Drones
People who still think that 1984 best describes the impending tech dystopia.
Future — DS2
Beach House — Depression Cherry
People who loved Bloom.
Beach House — Thank Your Lucky Stars
People who loved Devotion.
Vince Staples — Summertime ‘06
Veteran hip-hop heads who are enjoying the renaissance of “real rap” immensely.
Tame Impala — Currents
People who pretend not to like the Grateful Dead.
Sufjan Stevens — Carrie & Lowell
People whose empathy with this album runs so deep that you’re kinda scared to ask why.
Destroyer — Poison Season
Dudes who look and act like the guy from Inside Llewyn Davis.
Chvrches — Every Open Eye
People who recently disposed of a sizable stash of Mast Brothers chocolate.
Sleater-Kinney — No Cities to Love
Older millennials whose escape plan involves the Pacific Northwest.
Björk — Vulnicura
People whose breakups can be described as “dramatic.”
Drake — If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late
People who describe their own breakups as “dramatic.”
Kelela — Hallucinogen
People who use the word “thirsty” a lot, though never in reference to beverages.
Miguel — Wildheart
People about whom the word “thirsty” is used a lot, though never in reference to beverages.
Arca — Mutant
People who frequently quote album reviews aloud and ace their queer theory classes.
Oneohtrix Point Never — Garden of Delete
People who frequently quote album reviews and rarely leave the house.
Blur — The Magic Whip
Middle-aged denim jacket wearers who can’t believe Britpop was 20 years ago already.
Shamir — Ratchet
Kids who are always out till sunrise but are somehow still fine for work a few hours later.
Bob Dylan — Shadows in the Night
Long-time subscribers outraged that this only landed at #49 on Rolling Stone’s best of 2015 list.
Joey Bada$$ — B4.da.$$
Miley Cyrus – Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz
Fetty Wap — Fetty Wap
Various Artists — Hamilton: Original Broadway Soundtrack
Upper West Side progressives who feel guilty about not actually liking the Kendrick album.
Jenny Hval — Apocalypse, girl
Members of multiple reading groups (don’t called them “book clubs”).
Holly Herndon — Platform
Media studies majors who own several books by Douglas Rushkoff.
Julia Holter — Have You In My Wilderness
Someone you thought was cool at high school but never knew that well because she spent all her time in the music department.
Kendrick Lamar — To Pimp a Butterfly
Non-contrarians with ears.