Here’s the First Official ‘Suicide Squad’ Trailer (and EXCLUSIVE Reporting on Its Origins)

Leaked transcript of a top-secret meeting between the powers-that-be at DC Entertainment and Warner Brothers Pictures (names have been redacted to avoid legal action):

EXEC 1: Okay, we gotta talk about this Suicide Squad trailer, because I’ve been hearing things about how the Batman vs. Superman trailer is playing.

EXEC 2: Uh, it’s Batman V. Superman.

EXEC 3: Oh, fucking stop it with that, [redacted]. What’s the problem?

EXEC 1: Well, they’re laughing at it?

EXEC 3: Well, sure, Eisenberg’s funny.

EXEC 1: Weirdly, that’s the one thing they’re not laughing at.

EXEC 3: Oh.

EXEC 2: What are they laughing at?

EXEC 1: I mean, the word we’re getting is that it’s so grim and dark and takes itself so seriously that, um, it’s sort of going the other direction and playing as humorless self-important muck.

EXEC 3: That’s a little harsh.

EXEC 1: (Waving an audience response card) That’s a direct quote. “Self-important muck. You’re not making Bergman movies here.”

EXEC 2: Jaime Bergman? The 45th anniversary Playmate?

EXEC 3: Shut up, [redacted].

EXEC 2: I wish we were making movies with her.

EXEC 1: So what do we do?

EXEC 2: I don’t know, my assistant can probably get her number…

EXEC 1: About Suicide Squad?

EXEC 3: How’s it tracking?

EXEC 1: So-so. Main problem’s general awareness. The geeks know who they are; general public, not so much.

EXEC 3: Wait, hang on. When’s it coming out?

EXEC 1: August.

EXEC 3: Oh, I can’t believe it took me this long to think of this. August 2014, Marv—

[High pitched shrieking throughout the room]

EXEC 3: Sorry, sorry, the Studio That Must Not Be Named has a side movie coming out, a brand known only to geeks, trying to market it to a general public that might be getting tired of their style. So what do they do?

EXEC 2: They hire Zack Snyder?

EXEC 3: Oh fuck you [redacted], I had one bad idea in thirteen years–

EXEC 1: They sell it as a comedy.

EXEC 3: They sell it as a comedy. They sell it as an antihero, outlaw, crew of wacky weirdos comedy. And you know what else they used?

EXEC 1: ‘70s pop hit.

EXEC 3: Nothing says outlaw comedy like an unexpected ‘70s pop hit!

EXEC 2: Except, it’s sort of expected now, because Guardians did it fir—

EXEC 1: Shut up, [redacted]. So what would Suicide Squad look like if we packaged it like that?

EXEC 3: I think it might go a little something like this…

(Aaaaaand scene.)