The Blac Chyna/Kardashian Saga, Told as a Game of Thrones Plotline

Honestly, it makes far more sense this way.

If you haven’t been following the ongoing situation involving Blac Chyna and the Kardashian/Jenner clan, you’re boring and not well-rounded. It’s a harrowing saga of betrayal, heartbreak, revenge, and redemption with a cast of glamorous players with plump lips and even more plump butts. I had the thought recently that it may be more helpful to tell the tale in a format that you’re more likely to get into. Here it is:

Not long ago, Blac Chyna, a local merchant of lashes and lipsticks, and Kim of House Kardashian, were friends. At the time, Chyna’s betrothed was Ser Tyga, a poorly trained rap knight, to whom she eventually bore a son. But they would never make it down the aisle to wed. Suddenly, Ser Tyga was courting Lady Kylie Jenner, younger sister to Lady Kim. Only 17 at the time of this scandalous affair, the laws of the land forbid Lady Kylie from publicly frolicking with her love, but the whispers were heard. Inevitably, this slight signified the end of Chyna and Lady Kim’s friendship, for there was no way to explain how such a match came to be. For a while, the feud between the powers of House Kardashian and ambitious loner Chyna had devolved into the tragic competitiveness expected of schoolchildren. Lady Kylie and Chyna subtly jousted on Instagram and Twitter, with each one trying to one-up the other one as Ser Tyga spent time between them. Ultimately, Ser Tyga settled down with Lady Kylie, as her House offered more social status than the bloodline he created with Chyna. Ultimately, Chyna mended her wounds in the Land of Turn Up. She was betrayed, but seemed to be reborn joyous as she and new confidante, Lady Amber of House Rose, a descendant of the Clapbacks, lived merrily.

The alliance among Chyna and House Rose was strengthened by their common foe. Lady Amber was formerly promised to Lord Kanye ‘Yeezy’ West, one of the most revered rap knights in all the realm. Years earlier, Lady Kim enacted a similar betrayal when she married Lord Yeezy, who is also the longstanding hand of King Jay-Z. Lady Kim had spent years unsuccessfully attempting to join the good graces of Queen Bey, whom everyone knew wielded the most power over the land. Lady Kim settled for the marriage hand of Lord Yeezy, accepting that it was closest she’d ever get to the Queen. Chyna and Lady Amber undoubtedly conspired to un-hatch the plot that would thrust Chyna on the road to a comeback of epic proportions. While Lady Kylie and her sisters returned to dominating the media as glorified mavens of style, beauty, and lip kits, Chyna had won the affections of a new suitor: Lord Rob Kardashian, the reclusive brother the very women who attempted to forsake her!

House Kardashian is one of great wealth that has been wielded to acquire positions of affluence for its daughters. With this purchased status, the daughters have built an empire rivaling that of other more established families. Blac Chyna’s social aspirations began on the unsavory poles of King of Diamonds in the land of Miami. Despite her place among the women of the night, Chyna become known amongst the Order of Hip Hop, the company responsible for producing successful rap knights, for her exaggerated hourglass figure. She retired her ways after Ser Tyga fell madly in love her. Then, he was a promising knight committed to serving the Young Money, a powerful infantry in the Order of Hip Hop. While the women of House Kardashian are not loved by all, often spoke of as moraless whores, they fared better than Chyna, a woman of the night with skin of the same persuasion. Plus with their influence, House Kardashian can rely on the favor of their supporters to remain protected.

Chyna has allowed her courtship with Lord Rob, who had publicly disgraced himself by refusing to associate with his House, to unfold at lightning speed. The couple were engaged in April and announced a pregnancy in May. Not only will Blac Chyna become a Lady of House Kardashian, she is now carrying the sole heir to the Kardashian legacy. A strategic move like this to infiltrate the house that shunned her couldn’t have been better executed by Lord Baelish himself.

Blac Chyna has risen like phoenix from the flames.

You can watch the rest of this drama unfold on the new reality television show that Rob and Chyna have secured for themselves on E! – the same network that has hosted Keeping Up with the Kardashians for 12 seasons. The show will chronicle their lives leading up their wedding and the birth of their child. The show is being produced by Ryan Seacrest, the producer responsible for KUWTK.