The Definitive List of… HBO ‘Vinyl’ Replacements

Craving stories of drug-addled mediocre white men making fools of themselves? Crave no longer!

So. Farewell, then, Vinyl — after but a single season, you have been torn cruelly from our screens, cancelled unceremoniously by HBO, the network that a year ago was promoting you like crazy. Such is the fickle nature of television. But what of the small section of viewers who actually enjoyed Martin Scorsese’s demonstrably ridiculous tale of a coke-snorting, hard-living fictional record industry executive? Where will they turn next for tales of a fundamentally mediocre white man being lauded for making an arse of himself? Never fear; we’ve got you covered. Here are ten fictional (for now!) shows that could totally fill the void that Vinyl has left.


Splitting Apart

Elevator pitch: He’s the BRILLIANT but UNSTABLE professor who discovered quarks and snorted coke off the HIGGS BOSON!


Hard as Rocks

Elevator pitch: The story of a MAN who revolutionized geology as his MARRIAGE was CRUMBLING! [smash cut to man smoking crack in an abandoned quarry]


Basement Haxx

Elevator pitch: The untold story of the man who defeated the SJW CONSPIRACY but couldn’t defeat his ADDICTION to DIET COCA-COLA!


Strike!

Elevator pitch: A champion BOWLER can’t keep his life from SPEEDBALLING out of control!


Rocket Man

Elevator pitch: He’s an ASTRONAUT with ADDICTIONS; he went to the MOON, but not as often as he went to REHAB! [accompanied by footage of a man trying to snort drugs in zero gravity and SCREAMING in FRUSTRATION]


Going Wild

Elevator pitch: A groundbreaking VETERINARIAN can’t control the ANIMAL within!


Project Kevin

Elevator pitch: Kevin is a junior project manager whose EXCELLENT ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS don’t extend to his RELATIVELY DISORGANIZED PRIVATE LIFE!


Raging Bard-On

Elevator pitch: He’s a SHAKESPEAREAN SCHOLAR who wants to put his KING JOHN in your CORIOLANUS! Join the party or get thee to a NUNNERY!


Thinkpiece Hell

Elevator pitch: He’s a brilliant BLOGGER driven to the edge by the CONTENT MACHINE; but his PERSONAL ESSAY will change EVERYTHING!


Roadies

Elevator pitch: They’re the BAND BEHIND THE BAND; and once they’ve loaded out they’re READY TO PARTY! [Wait, apparently this one is real? WHO’S BEEN STEALING OUR IDEAS?! – Mad as Hell Ed.]