Brangelina Shock!!!! Several Divorce Lawyers Injured in LA Stampede

Batten down the hatches — according to TMZ, Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from Brad Pitt, which probably means that this is the only Celebrity News™ you’re going to hear about over the next few months. Is it a conscious uncoupling? Or shall the rumors about Brad, Marillon Cotillard, and the private detective hired by Angelina smash that dream?

Will the divorce settlement rival the GDP of an entire small country?

What is a “disso queen”? How many photo editors are googling “How to make split picture in Photoshop” as we speak? (It’s easy, see? Even we can do it!) How long until we see a headline involving the words “BOMBSHELL” and “JENNIFER ANISTON”? How exactly can this news be turned into a multi-page listicle? And, most importantly, what will Xenu think?

Read all the answers in literally every media outlet ever soon, including this one, most likely.