We Cast the Lower East Side’s Very Own “Jersey Shore”

If you don’t count all the advertisers it’s lost MTV, Jersey Shore has been a strange, resounding success. It’s unseated VH1’s Celebrity Rehab as the most exploitative show on television and loosed into the pop-culture sphere such cringe-worthy personalities as Snooki and Mike “The Situation.” So it’s only natural that enterprising reality TV producers are on the lookout for a new subculture for American viewers to ridicule.

Enter The Scene… L.E.S. The Village Voice spotted the casting call for this unfortunately named project on Craigslist, where Jimmy Lloyd Productions tells us that the series will focus on 8-10 “Singer-Songwriters who live around and play the circuit of performance venues on the Lower East Side of New York City.” (Never mind that starving musicians were priced out of the L.E.S. years ago.) Here at Flavorpill, we decided to save them the trouble of finding a balanced cast. In the grand tradition of The Real World, with its religious gays and belligerent frat brahs, we’ve picked the eight artiste stereotypes we’d most like to see represented on the show.

The hipster douchebag. This guy may be in a band, but he’s no artist. You see, he’s too busy channeling Michael Cera, bedding sweet, anemic 18-year-olds, and snarfing coke to actually, like write songs and rehearse. But if you’re looking for the closest loft party or American Apparel, he’s your man.

The angry lesbian. This shaved-head diva is more riot grrrl than Lilith Fair, but she still hasn’t gotten over Ani DiFranco getting married (to a dude!). She is not rooming with a guy, and she does not find your misogynist jokes funny. (And, as far as she’s concerned, all your jokes are misogynist.)

The up and coming young entrepreneur. Aspiring hip-hop stars don’t just want to be rappers anymore. This guy is an entrepreneur, okay? He’s working on becoming a brand. Just like Jigga. And that’s why he’s taken promotion into his own hands. Now, won’t you please buy the mixtape he’s trying to sell you on the street?

The burlesque dancer who is really just an underpaid stripper. The requisite constantly semi-naked lady. Listen, we love a good burlesque show. But lately, it seems like everyone and her sister is a “burlesque dancer.” Here’s the thing: If you’re not doing anything particularly artistic and you’re not getting paid much, you’re just an unsuccessful stripper. Sorry.

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The bartender/DJ. When you ask this perma-headphoned fellow what he does for a living, he’ll tell you he’s a DJ. If pressed, however, as to how he can afford such nice turntables and so many records when you’ve never even heard of him before, he’ll admit that his day job — as a bartender at a fratty joint on the Upper East Side — is paying the bills.

The blogette. Recession? What recession? This fresh-faced lass just graduated from NYU and is confident that a blog chronicling her sexual exploits in the big city will earn her a book deal, loads of money and instant fame. Good luck, sweetheart!

The tourist. You know this guy. He’s the most “alternative” bro in his square group of friends. While they listen to Coldplay, he knowingly rocks out Vampire Weekend. And, hey — he’s looking for this totally sweet bar in Williamsburg that’s supposedly full of easy art-school chicks. Luckily, the resident hipster douchebag will be able to point him in the right direction.

The old guy at the show. A father figure of sorts, he used to have a band back in the ’80s, when he was a minor local celebrity. But despite that early buzz, his career never quite took off. These days, he’s working a soul-crushing 9 to 5 but consoles himself by keeping obsessively current with music blogs — and that’s what he’s doing leaning against the back wall at a Real Estate gig in the far reaches of Bushwick.