God bless the good people of McSweeney’s. Andy Bryan’s Excerpts from A Life at C: The Biography of Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch by Jean LaFoote, The Barefoot Pirate is the funniest thing we’ve read in a while; and unless you grew up in one of those weird homes that banned sugar cereal, we’re sure you’ll identify with this passage from Chapter 11, Crunch’s Milk Goes Sour, as much as we did:
Environmental groups had a heyday when it was revealed that the Royal Oats Navy had been covering up the staggering casualties to sea organisms from Cap’n Crunch constantly lavishing his cereal on various ocean animals. Then there were the protests holding Crunch accountable for the myriad international child labor laws he ignored over four decades. The most damaging allegations personally to Crunch — the metaphorical sea salt in the wound — were the charges brought up by the medical community, citing two generations of grotesque palate disabilities from the severe lacerations that often accompanied the consumption of his cereal.
Our gums are bleeding just thinking about it. Watch one of the vintage commercials featuring Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch — a character created by noted animator Jay Ward — after the jump.