Saved by the Bell vet Dustin Diamond penned a bitter memoir back in late September, but we never felt motivated to pick it up before now. Thanks to a few choice excerpts which you’ll find after the jump, we’re now A.) Pretty sure Jimmy Fallon’s SBTB reunion fantasy is never coming true and B.) A little uncomfortable about watching the reruns on TBS while getting ready for work. In Behind the Bell
, only Mr. Belding remains unscathed, and we discover that magic-loving owner of the Max might be the reason that Doogie Howser is gay.
Were we just being naive? Did you already know that Bayside High had a dark side?
1. “Is it bragging to say I’ve banged over two thousand chicks in my life?”
2. “People don’t realize that Disneyland in the early ’90s was the perfect place to meet and hook up with chicks.”
3. “[Mario Lopez] lured [a girl] back to his pad… and was forced to have sex against her will.”
4. “The ‘No Hope With Dope’ episode ended up being a huge hit … I just can’t help but think of all the off-camera drinking and recreational drug use being indulged in by the cast members during that time … I could even smell a certain ‘smoke’ wafting from the crack beneath Tiffani’s dressing room.”
5. On Elizabeth Berkley, who he claims did both Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar: “there was a desperation to [her] ho’ing, like she had a lot of catching up to do.”
6. On Lark Voorhies, who he claims one-time fiance Martin Lawrence abused: “She flinched whenever a man was near her or a man’s voice was suddenly projected toward her. She rocked back and forth mumbling to herself in a very disturbing fashion, as if in her own world. You can draw your own conclusions from that.”
7. “[Ed “Max” Alonzo] wound up spending a lot of time with [Neil Patrick] Harris. A lot of time. For a while they were inseparable, going away to perform magic together, conjuring their mystical spells of enchantment. It wasn’t until years later that Neil Patrick Harris announced he was gay.”
8. “[Thiessen] wasn’t even supposed to be around for ‘The College Years’… all of a sudden, [Thiessen]’s locked again in those troubling closed-door meetings in [Executive producer Peter Engel]’s office and, voila, she’s off to college with the guys. From then on the show’s writing became all about Zack and Kelly.”