5 Life Lessons Gleaned from the Kell on Earth Premiere

If you think Godzilla is the scariest fire-breathing beast ever to invade New York, you clearly missed last night’s premiere of Kell On Earth on Bravo. The new reality series follows PR maven Kelly Cutrone as she and her much-maligned minions produce fashion shows, liaise with designers and editors, and generally inspire terror in the masses of wannabes clamoring to get standing room at the Sass & Bide show. If Kell seems familiar to you, it’s probably because you remember her swallowing and then regurgitating Whitney Port on MTV’s obnoxious Hills spin-off The City.

Within the first five minutes, it’s clear that Kell runs her business with an iron fist and a razor sharp tongue. She’s famous for her no nonsense Kelly-isms (“If you have to cry, cry outside”), which the clever folks at Bravo hope to capitalize on to make the new series a runaway hit in the vein of The Rachel Zoe Project or Tabitha’s Salon Takeover. We like them just fine but, after watching the complete hour-long premiere, we realize there’s so much more we can learn from Kell On Earth than mere backhanded bitchiness.

Here, episode one’s most valuable tidbits.

1. Asymmetrical tops aren’t just for girls

They also work extremely well if you’re a long-haired homosexual who sounds like Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin’s chain-smoking afterlife caseworker from Beetlejuice. When Kell’s new male assistant Andrew M. showed off the gorgeous slope of his toned trapezius in a black one-shoulder chemise, we smelled a fashion revolution in the making. Are asymmetrical tops the new kilt? We think so – and can’t wait to see David Beckham in one.

2. Everyone’s a hooker

When the ever-glamorous Ashley Dupre, the Amy Fisher to Eliot Spitzer’s Joey Buttafuoco, shows up at Kell’s office for some sage advice, the two engage in some philosophical banter that would make Socrates throw in the towel. After slamming Dupre’s critics for calling her a hooker, they conclude that we’re all, in a way, prostituting ourselves by giving our time, talent, and hard work to make money. As long as we don’t have to call the former governor of New York by any of his pet names, their logic works for us.


3. Ativan is like Tylenol during Fashion Week

As frazzled junior account executive Stefanie “I’m human and I make mistakes” Skinner begins to crumble in the midst of fashion week stress, fellow employee Andrew S. steps up to offer her some help in the form of a powerful sedative aimed at putting her into a refreshing, seating chart-free coma. Stef looks skeptical at first, but like the snake from the Creation story, Andrew S. assures her that during fashion week it’s perfectly fine to pop pills with the feverish intensity that Amy Winehouse imbibes bathtub gin. (“You’re only a pill popper if you do it when you’re not stressed out. During fashion week it’s fine.”)

4. Juicy Couture is not couture

Paging all cast members of MTV’s True Life: I’m A Compulsive Shopper: Turns out, that plush track suit you bought at Bloomie’s isn’t destined to be featured as part of the Met’s next haute couture exhibit. Yes, we realize that it does say the word “couture” on the label, but as Kell informed us last night, there’s only one true American couturier and his name ain’t Juicy. (Coincidentally his name is Ralph Rucci and he’s one of Kell’s most temperamental clients.)

5. Creating a seating chart is an art form

Move over Sergio Gomez. Give it up Jeff Koons. There’s a new group of artistes on the scene and they are churning out breathtaking seating charts that will inspire awe from even the most discerning eyes. Once again, the manic Stefanie Skinner explains that one of the toughest parts of working for Kell is crafting an acceptable seating chart for a fashion show, which she likens to creating art. Ah yes, a touch of Tori Spelling here, a splash of Andre Leon Talley there and voila: a masterwork destined to be lauded by all.