The Quotable John Mayer: Excerpts from His Playboy Interview

John Mayer’s new interview from the March 2010 issue of Playboy is online, and it’s already creating buzz. In it he talks about being in love with Jennifer Aniston, being in lust with Jessica Simpson (“Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.”), and being totally uncomfortable with his reputation as a douche bag.

We’d diagnose his problem as a lack of internal filter. While a few of his one-liners made us laugh out loud (“If Jennifer Aniston knows how to use BitTorrent I’ll eat my fucking shoe.”), a lot of what he had to say is pretty offensive/crazy/self-indulgent. We’ve rounded up the playboy’s 10 most groan-inducing, mostly NSFW moments from the interview after the jump so you don’t actually have to read the entire thing yourself. Plus, standalone quotes about vaginas are always funnier.

1. “I could have fucked a lot more girls in my life if I hadn’t been trying so hard to get them to like me. If I have a conversation with a really hot girl that lasts all night and she says, ‘Wow, I had no idea I was going to like you this much,’ that is the equivalent, for me, of getting laid.”

2. “I hate being the heartbreaker. Hate it. If I date somebody and it doesn’t work out, it’s another nightmare for me.”

3. “If I was playing it so I could meet hot chicks, I’ve met hot chicks, quote unquote. If I was playing it to make a ton of money, I’ve made a ton of money. If I was playing it to be well-known, I am well-known.”

4. “There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed.”

5. “My biggest dream is to write pornography.”

6. [In response to “Masturbation for you is as good as sex?”] “Absolutely, because during sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32.”

7. “I feel like women are getting their comeuppance against men now. I hear about man-whores more than I hear about whores. When women are whorish, they’re owning their sexuality. When men are whorish, they’re disgusting beasts.”

8. “I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.”

9. “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”

10. “I’ll get a Washlet when I finally find a shitter I’m going to be at for a good block of time in my life.”