We were pretty excited to learn that renowned film critic/national treasure Roger Ebert has posted the screenplay for his abandoned 1978 Sex Pistols film, Who Killed Bambi?, after it spent over 30 years in the vaults. If the movie had been made, Russ Meyer (who collaborated with Ebert on the B-movie classic Beyond the Valley of the Dolls) would have directed, with the recently deceased Malcolm McLaren playing producer. While we’re not sure the film ever should have seen the light of day, we’re happy to finally have a record of this relic of Ebert, McLaren, and the band’s younger, punker days. And since we’re fairly sure you’re not going to go to the trouble of reading the whole weird, rambling thing yourself, we’ve reprinted the movie’s 10 most unsettling quotes for your perusal.
1. “The MAN ON UNICYCLE peddles around behind the ARTIST WITH EASEL and teeters in place, looking over his shoulder at the painting taking place; the ARTIST is drawing a sad-faced clown looking at a tattered Union Jack in his hands.”
2. “THREE HOOKERS (like the Andrews Sisters) Pardon me, boys… Is this the Chattanooga Choo-Choo?
In the b.g., the Judge, never admitting defeat, has teamed up with two cronies of about the same age, and now they press forward to upstage the Hookers’ act – forming a dance line, with a hand on the elbow in front of them, pumping back and forth like the drive-shaft on a steam locomotive.”
3. “Steve Jones, rummaging under the bed, finds what he’s looking for. As the Hooker continues her oral ministrations, he comes up with a big sack from Wimpy’s, takes out a hamburger and begins to eat it, looking dreamily at the ceiling, all his needs met.
STEVE JONES Want to go out after the show, then, and get a hamburger?
The Stripper ignores him. The Disc Jockey, working fast behind his Cambridge Rapist mask, throws on an appropriate record, and pushes the button marked ‘Curtain’ again. The curtains open.”
4. “GERMAN TOURIST You come to my hotel – there I haff many musical tapes! We listen to them together, and zen we make love! Verstehen?”
5. “A CHAUFFEUR, seven feet tall, leaps out and opens the door for M.J., the world’s greatest rock star, who emerges expensively dressed in youthful-looking but very expensive hunting clothing: Suede, cut as a cross between hunting gear and contemporary fashion. Over his shoulder there’s a quiver filled with steel-tipped hunting arrows. He carries a hunting bow as he moves stealthily into the woods.”
6. “Johnny Rotten explodes, and all hell breaks loose. Forgetting entirely about the song, he charges across the stage and grabs Sid Vicious’ microphone near the base, whirling it (Sid ducks to escape injury) into the audience, where it lands with a terrific crash. He turns to attack Paul Cook, and Sid Vicious kicks him up the ass. But he doesn’t even look back. He grabs Paul’s cymbals and drags them to the edge of the stage and pitches them over.”
7. “The shades are drawn. Propped up against the pillows of the bed, his MOTHER is just in the act of shooting up. As Sid Vicious appears in the doorway, she pulls the needle from her arm. He leans against the door, regarding her. She releases the rubber tube from around her arm.
SID VICIOUS (not unkindly) Still on the shit, mum?”
8. “SID VICIOUS Come on, mum. Give us a kiss.
She does. And then she puts her free arm around him, and they begin the preliminaries of love making. It should be clear by now that this is not the first time such a scene has taken place between them.
They continue: Their passion grows. She tousles his hair. He unbuttons her blouse and caresses the breast, free and bra-less, he finds beneath it. The urgency builds. From time to time, they speak”
9. “There is still some pogo-dancing, as seen before but now the predominant dance is the Grapple, in which the dancers pull each other’s hair, shake each other by the throat, and, in general, come across in a frenzied spasm.”
10. “The Little Girl from the humble thatched cottage – the one who saw M.J. dumping the dead deer on her lawn. She is dressed exactly as before – and holding a smoking pistol.”