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We Cast the ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ Reboot

It looks like there’s no way to stop the Joss Whedon-free Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie reboot from happening. Rumors are already flying about who will be cast. Today, we heard the news that Glee‘s Heather Morris is being considered for the title role — which isn’t surprising, seeing as she already plays a cheerleader on TV. While we don’t think Morris as Buffy would be a disaster, we are pretty sure we could do a better job of picking who should play the vampire slayer, her pals, and her undead antagonists. After the jump, we cast the Buffy reboot. Because if it’s going to happen, it should at least be done right.

Adrianne Palicki as Buffy Summers
The actress who played Tyra Collette on Friday Night Lights — and will, thankfully, be reprising the role in the series’s two final episodes — knows something about playing a smart, tough, beautiful blonde who everyone underestimates. At 5’11”, she could certainly cut a fearsome shadow. And since Palicki also contributed some voice acting to Seth Green’s wacky Robot Chicken, we’re sure she appreciates camp.

Robert Pattinson as Oliver Pike
Buffy’s love interest isn’t a difficult role; Luke Perry did manage the part just fine, after all. All an actor would really need to do is act like a mysterious outsider. Considering that’s just about all he does in Twilight (right? We stopped watching after the first movie), Pattinson should be able to manage it. And we’re pretty sure Joss Whedon fans will appreciate the idea of a girl saving the almighty Edward Cullen from vampires, too.

Jeff Bridges as Merrick Jamison-Smythe
We admit that the wildly popular actor may be difficult to sign for this project, but wouldn’t he be wonderful? No one is going to improve on Donald Sutherland or Anthony Stewart Head’s renditions of the refined, British watcher. We’d like to see a Dude-like guru in the reboot.

Christoph Waltz as Lothos
Rutger Hauer was pretty good in the original. But how about Christoph Waltz for the remake? Let’s check his stats: Middle-aged? Check. Imperious? Check. Oddly appealing, despite our better judgment? Check. Great at playing over-the-top bad guys? Check. Looks like we have a winner, and his cold, dark Austrian accent is a nice bonus.

Paul Reubens as Amilyn
Seriously, guys. You can replace the rest of the cast, but bring Paul Reubens back to reprise his role as the comically creepy Amilyn. Reubens takes roles and makes them entirely his own (see Pee-wee Herman), which means it would be impossible to re-cast his role in Buffy and not have the audience spend all of the new actor’s screen time thinking about how much better the original was. And considering he looks almost exactly the same as he did 20 years ago, there’s no reason not to give him the part.

Leighton Meester as Kimberly Hannah
So, Meester won’t exactly be displaying range by portraying a stuck-up popular girl. But we have a feeling she can be very funny and self-deprecating if she wants to be, and considering she’s itching to break out of the Gossip Girl ghetto, it wouldn’t hurt for her to get some comedy experience.