Must-Read Excerpts from Snooki’s New Book

As we mentioned here before, one of the most disturbing celebrity book deals of 2010 involved Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi being paid to write (pretend to write?) a novel that will revolve around “a girl looking for love on the boardwalk (one full of big hair, dark tans, and fights galore).” It’s probably worth noting that the first-time author claims to have read only two books ever — Twilight and Dear John. So, yeah. Now, thanks to the New York Post, you can preview some choice lines from A Shore Thing, which comes out tomorrow. Secure your Bumpits, and click through if you dare.

“He had an okay body. Not fat at all. And naturally toned abs. She could pour a shot of tequila down his belly and slurp it out of his navel without getting splashed in the face.”

“Yum. Johnny Hulk tasted like fresh gorilla.”

“Any juicehead will get some nut shrinkage. And bacne. They fly into a ‘roid rage, it is a ‘road’ ‘roid rage.”

“Gia danced around a little, shaking her peaches for show. She shook it hard. Too hard. In the middle of a shimmy, her stomach cramped. A fart slipped out. A loud one. And stinky.”

“Gia had never before been in jail. It wasn’t nearly as gritty and disgusting as she’d seen on TV prison shows. The Seaside Heights drunk tank — on a weekday afternoon — was as clean and quiet as a church.”

“I love food. I love drinking, boys, dancing until my feet swell. I love my family, my friends, my job, my boss. And I love my body, especially the badonk.”