The next big Republican presidential debate is this evening, and we’re off-the-charts excited — not in anticipation of any substantial policy discussions, and certainly not in anticipation of anything resembling the democratic process at work, but for the sideshow. After all, the frontrunner in the field is Triumph the Insult Comic Dog made flesh, a comically bouffanted racist oligarch who tweets like a fifth grader and brags like a cafeteria rapper.
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Watching him work the crowd at that first debate last month, your film editor could only think of one real parallel to the experience: the scenes in Mike Judge’s cult hit Idiocracy that find Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho (Terry Crews), “five-time Smackdown champion, porn superstar, and President of the United States,” firing off his machine gun in a speech to the “House of Representin’,” and issuing policy decrees like, “Shit. I know shit’s bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we’re running out of French fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.” So, just for fun, we dug up some Camacho quotes, and put them side-by-side with the Donald’s. Can you tell the difference?
1. “Remember, new ‘environment friendly’ light bulbs can cause cancer.”
2. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created, I tell you that.”
3. “I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me.”
4. “I beat China all the time. All the time.”
5. “If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s Big Business. Or two words — Big Business.”
6. “Listen, you motherfuckers, we’re going to tax you 25 percent!”
7. “This very expensive GLOBAL WARMING bullshit has got to stop.”
8. “Sorry losers and haters, but my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it!”
9. “So you’re smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. Looks like a peanut!”
Quiz answers on the next page!