Yesterday, Twin Peaks’ 217-strong cast was officially announced, and it included quite a few wild cards — Eddie Vedder, Sharon Van Etten, Trent Reznor, Michael Cera, Sky Ferreira, Tim Roth and Monica Bellucci, to name a few of very, very many. Unfortunately, the list shared by Showtime didn’t include the characters any of the actors would be playing, so Flavorwire’s taken it into our own hands to delegate the roles for the upcoming revival of the series. You’re welcome, David Lynch!
Twenty-five years ago, we were left with a cliffhanger when Special Age Dale Cooper, it seemed, returned from the Black Lodge possessed by the evil spirit BOB — seemingly bound to become the next man to unwittingly bring a reign of terror to the residents of Twin Peaks. So without further ado, here’s who we imagine will be terrorized, who’ll be terrorizing, and who’ll be sitting idly by because, for example, they’re just playing a very wise grain of sand:
Eddie Vedder — BAHB, BOB’s slacker brother spirit
In Season 3, we’ll finally get a glimpse at BOB’s family life. Raised by a single demon working two shifts at a local Wendy’s, BOB and BAHB had to fend for themselves as kids. BAHB tries to keep it real and encourages BOB to take up a different craft pretty much daily — and sometimes it works — rubber band balls stopped him from eating a baby, boondoggle stopped numerous rapes. BAHB’s disappointed about BOB’s life path of tormenting the residents of small lumber towns, but can’t really say much, because he just sits around haunting the couch all day — though he is known to brag about having mastered the transformation into a literal couch potato. Now, after BOB’s been inside Special Agent Dale Cooper for 25 years, BAHB finally decides it’s time to collect his brother, and he’s got just the thing that’ll win him over — Fimo!
Sharon Van Etten — Chloette, a reticent chicken farmer
Chloette grew up in the Big City but after a series of harrowing Big City events sought solace in the hills of Twin Peaks, dappling her own quaint plot of land with chickens, all of whom she named Joan Baez. Special Agent Dale Cooper is drawn to her, but he can’t tell if it’s because she reminds him of that eviscerating yet pleasant on the ears indie-folk album that’s hip but Starbucks-and-parent-friendly that his daughter recently gave him for Christmas or because perhaps every city-ditching chicken farmer has a secret. “I’m sailing ever away/on this placid sea of beaks,” she croons distantly as she slaps her zither; Cooper adjusts his pants and later tells Diane, “there was arousal.”
Michael Cera — The Cute Man
Special Agent Dale Cooper is visited by a vision one morning as he’s about to dip his spoon into a bowl of flaky cereal. A head who refers to himself only as The Cute Man emerges from beneath the flakes, shakes off some milk droplets, and tells Cooper of a new door through which spirits are crawling now that their two favorite spas — the Black and White Lodge — are being overrun by mortals. The Cute Man sneezes milk mucus all over Cooper and apologizes sheepishly for his uncontrollable allergies, before Angelo Badalamenti’s score suddenly becomes sinister and The Cute Man says, “Through all sneezes, demise.” Later, Cooper recounts to Diane that “here, too, was arousal.”
Charlyne Yi — Big Meg, Dale Cooper’s protégé with murky loyalties
After repeated visits from the sinister, sneezing and yet arousing Cute Man, Special Agent Dale Cooper begins to piece together that many of the spirits from the Lodges are hiding out inside the films of a certain Judd Apatow — MIKE, the Man From Another Place, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, the Awkward Nice Guy, etc. have all migrated there. (Little does he know that they’re all hiding from BOB, who’s right inside him!) One day, he sees his protégé, Big Meg, colluding at a breakfast nook with the Cute Man, and realizes her loyalties may be askew. She feigns ignorance about Judd Apatow. She eats a slice of stuffed crust pizza, but the crust, which is stuffed with demon rather than cheese, screams “Liar!” Big Meg’s in trouble. Sometimes, Big Meg is a prostitute.
Naomi Watts — Susan, the Liquor Store Owner
Dale Cooper goes to visit the nearby town of Triplet Apexes, where he’s found out about a distant cousin of Annie Blackburn’s who runs a “Wine and Spirits Shoppe” (in a fit of Bobbery, Cooper killed Annie 20 years ago – but he doesn’t know it.) Susan seems to know a lot about wine — but her knowledge of spirits might be even more thorough than anyone expected. Almost immediately, she detects a BOB infestation in Cooper, and secretly decides to take it upon herself to exorcise BOB — but not before first helping Cooper to a soju flight. Sometimes, Susan is also a prostitute.
Trent Reznor — Tim Stewart, the new “innocuous” father figure
Tim Stewart is just the next in a long line of Twin Peaks’ brand of standard white American Dad. He helps with homework. He reservedly provides advice to his daughters about boys. Sometimes, Tim is a prostitute.
Monica Bellucci — Vittoria, Doorknob-Josie Packard’s Shower Nozzle Bestie
Ever since Josie Packard got trapped in a doorknob, girl’s been lonely. It’s hard being a knob and trying to contribute to human discourse when you don’t have the same experiences. When Packard tried to give her 2¢ about Lemonade, for example, people weren’t having it. But her luck changed when she encountered another household object who used to be a pretty actress from another place. She first met Vittoria the Shower Nozzle when she heard her singing Katie Perry’s “Hot and Cold” across the household. Though they’ve never seen each other face-to-face (Vittoria being nozzle and Josie being knob, and both being in separate rooms) they quickly bonded by yelling in Object across the house to one another. Josie found in Vittoria an unshakably strong yet playful partner-in-crime (limited, of course, to opening and closing a drawer and squirting water). Vittoria regales Josie with stories of guests’ (the Packard residence has of course become an AirBnB) genitalia (“Once upon a time there was a guest with a medium penis. He took a shower.” “Once upon a time there was a guest with a slightly above-medium penis. He too took a shower.”) Josie admires Vittoria’s flair for mischief — her sassy tendency to vacillate wildly between temperatures for guests whose genitalia she’d rather not see and — well, that’s pretty much it. It’s a simple life, but they love it.
Jennifer Jason Leigh — a Wise Grain of Sand
The Wise Grain of Sand says no words, but speaks multitudes. The Wise Grain of Sand was once rock, is now grain. The Wise Grain of Sand is the passage of time, incarnate. They say that those who encounter the Wise Grain of Sand begin to sob, immediately. The Wise Grain of Sand denies accusations of trademark infringement from Marina Abramovic.
Jim Belushi — Brett Moody, Ben Horne’s new rival
Brett Moody, a real estate mogul from Triple Apexes, has just bought the Double R Diner, with plans to turn it into an Icelandic tapas restaurant, in the requisite overarching gentrification plot line. The only problem is it turns out the diner was infested with a rare breed of bean weevil, and local activists are rallying to have it turned into a bean weevil refuge. In order to woo the community into forsaking their lofty goals for bean weevil protection, Moody has taken to being a prostitute, sometimes.
Ashley Judd — Nancy Pants, local activist/inactive politician
Nancy Pants is among the only people who sees through Brett Moody’s plot to win over the hearts of Twin Peaks by dabbling in prostitution. She takes to the streets with a megaphone and does demonstrations at the local library about how bean weevils can make affectionate pets, but her activism and pleas for sympathy are stymied when the shower nozzle, Vittoria, reveals what bean weevil genitalia looks like. Needing a project, Nancy Pants takes to drinking — frequenting Susan’s shoppe and slowly becoming ensconced in Susan’s attempt to rid the town of BOB. Since some already thought that BOB was killed along with Leland Palmer, she explains that the Double Jeopardy law is on their side. They watch Double Jeopardy. They watch Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood. They agree that Ashley Judd’s filmography could be better — she’s so talented! They convince her to appear on Twin Peaks. She does. Time is a flat circle.