We thought no one left unscathed after Stereotyping People by Their Favorite Indie Bands: Part 1. Fortunately, we were very, very wrong. Last time, we called out Vampire Weekend fans for their ever-subtle Pete & Pete pickup lines, but this time we’ve taken the invective even farther. (Well, hello, Sleigh Bells fans!) Again, in collaboration with Jeff Luppino-Esposito and in tribute to Internet genius Lauren Leto and her “Stereotyping People by Their Favorite Authors,” we rebel against the misguided notion that stereotyping isn’t an awesome idea.
Dudes who are thwarted by the Chinese finger trap every single time.
Guys who don’t get jobs because their potential employer discovered photos of them bro icing on Facebook.
Bar Mitzvah crashers.
People who wish they could mosh with Shrek, Snorlax, and Lenny from Of Mice and Men.
People who throw a shitfit when someone suggests that there are too many indie bands named after animals.
Men who used the cheat code to see naked, poorly-rendered 3D figures showering in The Sims.
That sweaty dude in the mosh pit who referred to your girlfriend as “Baberaham Lincoln.”
The girl who tries to hook up with that same sweaty dude by bragging about her cat.
Toro Y Moi
Deceptively straight males who think “riding the chillwave” is a national pastime.
Dudes who would rather play chess than Hungry Hungry Hippos: The Drinking Game.
Guys who are always worried they accidently impregnated their girlfriends.
Bitches who think it’s okay to scratch guys who misbehave. And the boys who buy them soy lattes.
Chicks and dudes who semi-ironically aspire to “Superman dat ho” at an indie rock concert.
Pre-Congratulations: 81% of College Freshmen. Post-Congratulations: Guys who consider the ability to store 13 pencils in their hair to be an evolutionary advantage.
Smelly, un-self-aware hipsters who wear mal-fitting baseball caps and probably attend SUNY Purchase.
Girls who get sexually aroused by traditional avian mating calls.
Guys who bought kaliedscopes with their Chuck E. Cheese tickets.
Broken Social Scene
People who fantasize about riding an eight-person, single-gear bicycle to the Brooklyn Bowl.
Guys who lit fires in their backyards before hitting puberty. Then they took up smoking.
Mediocre-looking girls who put Zooey Deschanel as their doppelganger on Facebook.
Iron and Wine
Grown men who always get roped into being the DD for “Ladies Night Out” with their mother and her coworkers from Office Depot.
Lonely, chronic masturbators who end up settling for the Cat Power chicks.
Guys who mistake their blender for a radio.
People who expressed legitimate concern regarding the state of humanity when J.D. Salinger died.
Virgins, not in the name of God, but as a result of valiant attempts to achieve poetic justice.